| Term | Definition |
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| On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: 'Is it true that in the USSR the pay does not correspond to the work? 'Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to work.' | An American, a Czech, and a Soviet agreed to meet. The Czech was late. "Sorry for being so late," the Czech said, "I was waiting in line to buy some meat." "What is a line?" the American asked."What is meat?" the Soviet asked. |
| Alexander the Great, Caeser, and Napoleon all met at a parade in Red Square."Wow! With those tanks, I would have been invincible!" said Alexander."Wow! With those airplanes, I would have conquered the whole world!" said Caeser."Wow! With the Pravda, the whole world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!" said Napoleon. | Q: What's the real ratio between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble? A: A pound of rubles is worth a dollar. |
| The seven miracles of the Soviet Authority:1. There is no unemployment, yet nobody works.2. Nobody works, yet the Grand Scheme is carried out.3. The Grand Scheme is carried out, yet there is nothing to buy.4. There is nothing to buy, yet there are lineups everywhere.5. There are lineups everywhere, yet everyone has everything.6. Everyone has everything yet everyone is dissatisfied. 7. Everyone is dissatisfied, yet everyone votes 'Yes'. | A Soviet has saved up his money to buy a car. He goes down to the dealership and says to the salesman "I want that one!" "The car will arrive in seven years." the salesman replies."Will it come in the morning or the afternoon?" the man asks."What difference does it make?" queries the salesman. The man says back, "the plumber is coming in the morning." |
| A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve."Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!" "Nonsense!" replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!" The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian." | Q: What's better, Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell? A: Communist Hell. In Capitalist Hell they soak you in oil and burn you alive, cut your fingers off with knives, and suffocate you with pillows. In Communist Hell they don't have oil, knives, or pillows. |
| Stalin appears to Putin in a dream. "Stalin! what am I to do! The country has gone to govno, we are weak, and can't even rub out a few Chechen bandits while they are on the john! Help me please!!" "Very well. You must do two things" "Yes, yes!! Tell me!" "You must execute the entire government and then paint the walls of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" "I had a feeling you'd want to discuss that one.." | Churchill and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference, they discussed their hobbies. Churchill told Stalin that he collected jokes people told about him. Stalin said he collected people who told jokes about him. |
| Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev on a train The three of them were on a train cruising across the Trans-Siberian railroad. The train comes to a hill and starts to decelerate until it comes to a complete stop. The three men resolve to get the train going again. Each of them proposes a solution. STALIN: Kill the driver! KHRUSHCHEV: No, we must not kill the driver. Instead, we must convince the driver that, for the good of the Party and the homeland, he must fix the train and motivate him to do so. BREZHNEV: I have a better solution. Why not simply pull the curtain and pretend that we are still moving? | In America, you can always find party... but in soviet russia.. PARTY FINDS YOU!! |
| What is Russian business? Stealing a box of vodka and selling it so as to have money to spend on drink. | Brezhnev and Nixon are standing near Niagara Falls with their bodyguards when they decide to test them. They both order them to jump into the falls. The American bodyguard refuses, saying, 'I have a family and children!' The Russian rushes towards the Falls without thinking, but at the last moment he's stopped. 'How did you decide to do such a thing without even thinking?' asks Nixon. 'I have a family and children!' |
| What's the difference between a Christian and a Communist? The Christian hopes to get to Paradise after death, and the Communist - to be posthumously rehabilitated. | Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they're in for. The first man says: "I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage." The second man says: "I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage." " The third man says: "I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch." |
| An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes. There is a menacing banging on the door. 'Whose there?' the old man asks. 'Death 'comes the reply. 'Thank God for that,' he says, 'I thought it was the KGB.' | Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals." |
| Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin. After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated. A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up." | Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers? Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live! |
| A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew." KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done." "I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies. "But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB. And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know." | Three men are talking at night in their barracks in a Siberian forced labor camp. By way of introduction, one man says, "I got 20 years for publishing samizdat, that's why I'm here." The second man says, "I got caught listening to BBC, that's why I got 15 years. How about you ?" – he asks the third man. The third man replies, "I got 10 years, for absolutely nothing !". The first man then hits him in the face. "Liar ! For nothing, they only give you 5 years !". |
| In prison: 'What are you in for?' 'I told a joke.' 'And you?' 'Listened to a joke.' 'And you?' 'For laziness! I was at a party. One person there told a joke. I went home wondering whether to inform right then or tomorrow morning? "All right," I thought," tomorrow morning will be fine." And I was taken away during the night!' | a |
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