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RECENTLY, The ______ ______ printed an _______ explaining how the ___________ plan to drive _________ insane. Recently the washington post printed an article explaining how the appliance manufacturers plan to drive consumers insane Of ______, they don't ___ they want to ____ us _____. Of course, they don't SAY they want to drive us insane. What they _____ they ____ __ __is have us live in ______ where "all _______ are on the ________, sharing _______" and ______ will be "______ than most of their _____." What they SAY they want to do is have us live in homes where "all appliances are on the Internet, sharing information" and appliances will be "smarter than most of their owners." For _______, the _____ states, you would have a _____ where the ______ "can be ______ on from the _____" For example, the article states, you would have a home where the dishwasher "can be turned on from the office" and the ________ "____ when it's out of ____" and the bathroom _____ "______ your weight to the____." and the refrigerator "knows when it's out of milk" and the bathroom scale "transmits your weight to the gym" I _____ wonder whether the appliance __________, with all due _____, have been _____ _____. I frankly wonder whether the appliance manufacturers, with all due respect, have been smoking crack. I mean, did they ever _____ to ___ themselves WHY a _______, after ______ a dishwasher, would __ to the ______ to start it? I mean, did they ever stop to ask themselves WHY a consumer, after loading a dishwasher, would go to the office to start it? Would there be some kind of ______ ______? Would there be some kind of career benefit? YOUR BOSS: What ____ ___ ___? YOU (tapping computer ______): I'm _______ my ________! YOUR BOSS: What are you doing? YOU (tapping computer keyboard): I'm starting my dishwasher! YOUR BOSS: That's the kind of ________ we need _______ here! YOU: Now I'm ______ the upstairs _____! YOUR BOSS: That's the kind of productivity we need around here! YOU: Now I'm flushing the upstairs toilet! Listen, appliance _______: We don't ______ a dishwasher that we can ________ with from afar. Listen, appliance manufacturers: We don't NEED a dishwasher that we can communicate with from afar. If you want to ______ our ______, give us one that senses when people leave _____ _____ on the kitchen ______ , and _____ at them: If you want to improve our dishwashers, give us one that senses when people leave dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, and shouts at them: "PUT THOSE ______ IN THE __________ RIGHT ______ OR I'LL ______ ALL OVER YOUR ______!" "PUT THOSE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER RIGHT NOW OR I'LL LEAK ALL OVER YOUR SHOES!" Likewise, we don't need a ______ that ______ when it's out of ____. Likewise, we don't need a refrigerator that knows when it's out of milk. We already have a _______ system for _______ if we're out of ____: We ask our _____. We already have a foolproof system for determining if we're out of milk: We ask our wife. What we could use is a ______ that _____ to let us open its _____ when it senses that we are about to _____ our fourth Jell-O _____ Snack in ____ hours. What we could use is a refrigerator that refuses to let us open its door when it senses that we are about to consume our fourth Jell-O Pudding Snack in two hours. As for a ____ that ______ our ______ to the gym: Are they ____? We don't want our weight _______ to our own _______! As for a scale that transmits our weight to the gym: Are they NUTS? We don't want our weight transmitted to our own EYEBALLS! What if the gym ______ to transmit our weight to all these other _______ on the ______? What if the gym decided to transmit our weight to all these other appliances on the Internet? What if, God _____, our _______ found out what our weight was? What if, God forbid, our refrigerator found out what our weight was? We'd _____ get the ____ open again! We'd never get the door open again! But here is what really ______ me about these new "______" appliances But here is what really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances Even if we like the _____, we won't be able to ___ them. We can't ____ the appliance ________ we have NOW. Even if we like the features, we won't be able to use them. We can't use the appliance features we have NOW. I have a feature-________ telephone with ___ buttons, at least ____ of which I am afraid to ____. I have a feature-packed telephone with 43 buttons, at least 20 of which I am afraid to touch. This ____ probably can ________ with the ____, but I don't know how to ________ it, just as I don't know how to ________ my TV, This phone probably can communicate with the dead, but I don't know how to operate it, just as I don't know how to operate my TV, which has ________ out the ________ and requires ________ remote controls. which has features out the wazooty and requires THREE remote controls. One control (________) came with the TV; a second (________) came with the VCR; the third (________) was brought here by the ____TV man One control (44 buttons) came with the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third (37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man who ________ felt that I did not have ________ buttons. who apparently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when I want to ____ TV, I'm ________with a total of ____ ____, identified by such helpful labels as ____, ____, ____, ____, ____ and ____. So when I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120 buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS, DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK. There are ____ buttons labeled ________, but there are times — especially if my son and his friends, who are not afraid of ____, have changed the settings — when I ____ cannot figure out how to turn the TV on. There are three buttons labeled POWER, but there are times — especially if my son and his friends, who are not afraid of features, have changed the settings — when I honestly cannot figure out how to turn the TV on. I stand there, holding ____ remote controls, ____ buttons at ____, until eventually I give up and go turn on the ________. I stand there, holding three remote controls, pressing buttons at random, until eventually I give up and go turn on the dishwasher. It has been, literally, ____ since I have successfully ________ a TV show. That is how "____" my appliances have become. It has been, literally, years since I have successfully recorded a TV show. That is how "smart" my appliances have become. And now the appliance manufacturers want to give us even_____ ________. Do you know what this ____? And now the appliance manufacturers want to give us even MORE features. Do you know what this means? It means that some night you'll open the ____ of your "____"________, looking for a drink, and you'll hear a pleasant, cheerful ____ It means that some night you'll open the door of your "smart" refrigerator, looking for a drink, and you'll hear a pleasant, cheerful voice recorded by the same woman who informs you that Your ____ Is Important when you call a ________ that does not wish to speak with you ________ — telling you: "Your ____ is limp." — recorded by the same woman who informs you that Your Call Is Important when you call a business that does not wish to speak with you personally — telling you: "Your celery is limp." You will not know how your refrigerator knows this, and, what is worse, you will not know who else your refrigerator is telling about it ("Hey, Bob! I hear your celery is limp!"). You will not know how your refrigerator knows this, and, what is worse, you will not know who else your refrigerator is telling about it ("Hey, Bob! I hear your celery is limp!"). And if you want to try to make the refrigerator ____, you'll have to ________Owner's _____ instructions written by and for ________ ________ And if you want to try to make the refrigerator STOP, you'll have to decipher Owner's Manual instructions written by and for nuclear physicists ("To disable the Produce ________Monitoring ________, enter the Command ____, then select the ____function, then select ________ Vegetable ________, then assume that Train _ leaves ________ traveling ________ at 47 ____ per hour, while Train B..."). ("To disable the Produce Crispness Monitoring feature, enter the Command Mode, then select the Edit function, then select Change Vegetable Defaults, then assume that Train A leaves Chicago traveling westbound at 47 miles per hour, while Train B..."). Is this the kind of future you want, ________? Do you want appliances that are ______ than you? Of ________ not. Is this the kind of future you want, consumers? Do you want appliances that are smarter than you? Of course not. Your appliances should be ________ than you, just like your ________, your ____ and your ____________ in Congress. Your appliances should be DUMBER than you, just like your furniture, your pets and your representatives in Congress. So I am ________ you to let the appliance industry know, by ____, ____, ____ and e-____, that when it comes to "____" appliances, you vote ____. So I am urging you to let the appliance industry know, by phone, letter, fax and e-mail, that when it comes to "smart" appliances, you vote NO. You need to act ____. Because while you're ________ this, your ________ oven is voting ____. You need to act quickly. Because while you're hearing this, your microwave oven is voting YES.