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Chapter 8 Communication
Terms in this set (65)
acquiring knowledge about what conflict is, what makes it happen,
and what we can do about it.
The best route to success in resolving conflict effectively is..
expressed struggle between at
least two interdependent people
who perceive incompatible goals,
scarce resources, or interference
in the achievement of their goals.
Sam Keltner developed this to show conflicts ranging from mild differences to outright fights.
people don't have the
skills to manage conflict.
They don't know how to express their
relational struggle effectively.
one reason violence
is so prevalent in many relationships is that?
Dependent on each other; one person's actions affect the other person.
-source (Prior conditions; you become aware that there are differences between you an the other person. The differences can can in background, experience, attitudes, beliefs, values ect.)
-a beginning,(Frustration awareness; at least one of you becomes aware that these differences are becoming problematic)
-a middle, (Active Conflict; an expressed struggle)
-an end,(resolution, not all conflicts are resolved)
-an aftermath.( follow up_
Most relational disagreements have a...
To identify sources of conflict before it becomes the relational turbulence becomes destructive
regarding conflict, a key purpose of the book and this chapter is what?
the lack of flexibility in responding to others
(Conflict can become destructive when people view their differences from a win-lose perspective, rather than looking for solutions that allow both individuals to gain).
The hallmark of destructive conflict is?
Conflict that helps build new insights and
establishes new patterns in a
Conflict that dismantles rather than
Common perceived causes of interpersonal conflict.
2. Feeling Entitled
3.Perceived lack of fairness
4. More perceived costs than rewards
5. Different Perspectives
6. Stress and lack of rest
7.Dialectical tension -(
list some conflict triggers:
Tension arising from a person's need for
two things at the same time.
- being separate and connected (we want our freedom and comfort of security at the same time)
-feelings of being open and closed (we want to share our thoughts and feelings but also have some privacy)
two classic examples of dialectical tension
1. Conflict is always a sign of a poor interpersonal relationship
2. Conflict can always be avoided
3. conflict always occurs because of misunderstandings (sometimes both parties understand the conflict but disagree on how to handle it)
4.Conflict can always be avoided
many of us were raised with four myths that contribute to our negative feelings about conflict, what are they?
1. pseudo conflict-triggered by a lack of understanding
(pseudo means false)
2. simple conflict- stemming from different ideas, definitions, perceptions, or goals
3. ego conflict- which occurs when conflict gets personal
most conflicts fit into what three categories?
Conflict triggered by a lack of understanding and
- check your perceptions- ask for clarifications
- listen between the lines- look for nonverbal cues like puzzled facial expressions
- Established a supportive rather than a defensive climate for conversation
Keep the following strategies in mind to minimize misunderstandings before they occur:
stems from different ideas, definitions, perceptions, or goals.
● Clarify you and your partner's understanding of the issues and your partner's understanding of the source of the disagreement.
● Keep the discussion focused on facts and the issue at hand, rather than drifting back to
past battles and unrelated personal grievances.
● Look for more than just the initial solutions that you and your partner bring to the
discussion; generate many options.
● Don't try to tackle too many issues at once. Perform "issue triage"—identify the important issues, and work on those.
● Find the kernel of truth in what your partner is saying. Find agreement where you can.
● If tempers begin to flare and conflict is escalating, cool off. Come back to the discussion
when you and your partner are fresh.
To keep simple conflict from escalating into personal attacks, consider the following
Conflict in which the original issue is ignored as
partners attack each other's
-Try to steer the ego conflict back to simple conflict/ return to issues rather than personal attacks.
● Make the issue a problem to be solved rather than a battle to be won.
● Write down what you want to say:
● When things get personal, make a vow not to reciprocate: Use "I" messages that we
talked about in Chapter 5 ("I feel uncomfortable and threatened when we yell at each
other.") rather than "you"messages ("You're such a creep. You never listen.") to
express how you are feeling.
● Avoid contempt. To be contemptuous is to roll your eyes and sarcastically intone, "Oh,
that's brilliant" to something your partner has said.
Some additional strategies to consider when conflict becomes personal:
Degree to which a person is able to influence
his or her partner.
Men's perception of whether they had power in a relationship was often not directly related to whether they were observed to dominate a conversation, nor did it correlate with what they actually did when talking with others.
When women saw themselves as more powerful in a relationship, they sometimes surprisingly tended to view their partners as more dominant in the relationship. Perhaps when women perceived that their partner was dominant, they responded with increased power in response.
gender differences in the way we use, interpret, and respond to power in our relationships.
One study of heterosexual romantic couples found that the partner with less emotional involvement in the relationship had more power
Relationship in which one partner
has a greater need for the other to
meet his or her needs.
-Power exists in all relationships
-Power derives from the ability to meet a person's needs
-Both people in a relationship have some power
-Power is circumstantial -(it ebbs and flows over time and as circumstances change)
-Power is negotiated
What are the power principles?
power Power that is
based on respect for a person's
power Power that comes from our attraction to
another person, or the charisma
a person possesses.
Power based on a person's knowledge and
Power based on
a person's ability to satisfy our
Power based on the use of sanctions or punishments to influence others.
Taking persuasive actions to get others
to comply with our goals.
People with more power can be more efficient in gaining compliance by using simple, more direct
(and sometimes inappropriate) strategies to accomplish their goals.
Those with less power need to carefully consider which strategies they can use that won't result in negative consequences.
For example, telling your boss that you want Friday night off or you'll quit might result in your no longer having a job.
why does People's level of power affects which compliance-gaining strategies they employ?
power negotiation - renegotiate the balance of power in the relationship
what can you do if you realize that you don't have as much power as you'd like?
-assess needs -(identify both you and your partners needs, this is an other-oriented strategy)
-identify power-based conflicts-(examine your interpersonal conflicts for unresolved power issues)
-discuss power issues directly-(If you're not talking about what the real, underlying issue may be during a conflict—the issue of power—the conflict is unlikely to be managed permanently.)
Strategies to negotiate or renegotiate power in a relationship:
or approach you use to manage
disagreement with others.
The five conflict management styles in relation to concern for others and concern for self.
called the lose-lose approach to conflict
style that involves backing off and
trying to side-step conflict.
either they don't want to deal with the problem and wish it would go away or they avoid conflict because they don't want to hurt the feelings of others
reasons why people use the avoidance approach
demand-withdrawal pattern of conflict management
one characteristic of an avoidant conflict management style
Demand Withdrawal pattern of Conflict
(One person wants to change the relationship and the other does not so they walk away)
Pattern in which one person makes a
demand and the other person
avoids conflict by changing the
subject or walking away.
Doing so provides time for each person in
the conflict to think about the issues, cool down, and ponder other approaches to dealing
with the issues. If the conflict issue really is trivial, it may be advantageous not to throttle
up the tension.
it can also allow each person to save face
advantages of avoiding conflict
If you avoid the conflict, you may be sending a message that you really don't care about the other person's feelings; you're more concerned about your own needs.
Avoiding the conflict may also just make things worse.
A conflict that was simply simmering may boil over if it's not tended to. And, of
course, another disadvantage is that the issue remains unresolved. Like a lump in the throat,
the conflict just sits there.
disadvantages of avoiding conflict
called the lose-win approach
Conflict management style that involves
giving in to the demands of others.
it shows that you're reasonable and you want to help. If the issue is a minor or trivial one, you may gain some credibility by just letting it slide. Of course, if you are wrong or have made a mistake,
accommodation is an appropriate response.
the advantages of the accommodation style
being other-oriented means considering the needs
and position of the other person, without necessarily doing what the other person wants.
Sometimes, a person may accommodate for self-protection rather than because he or she
is genuinely interested in others.
the disadvantages of accommodation style
false sense of security by producing a
pseudosolution - one that doesn't really solve anything but just postpones a solution to the problem
To accommodate can give the accommodator a ?
(they want to control others, they are not other oriented, but rather focused on themselves)
they resort to blaming or threats
has a win-lose philosophy
style that stresses winning a conflict
at the expense of the other person
(this is a lose/win-lose/win approach)
style that attempts to find the
middle ground in a conflict.
(To collaborate is to have a high concern for both yourself and others. People who use a
collaboration style of conflict management are more likely to view conflict as a set of problems to be solved rather than a game in which one person wins and another loses.)
Conflict management style that uses
other-oriented strategies to
achieve a positive solution for all
One of the biggest disadvantages is the time, skill, patience, and energy required to manage conflict
collaboratively. If a solution is needed quickly, other approaches such as compromise may
what is the disadvantage of collaboration?
-Reduced nonverbal cues
-flamming(-when someone sends an overly negative message that personally attacks someone else. ex using all caps(yelling)
-the disinhibition effect-without the other person in front of them people tend to lose their inhibitions and lash out
why its hard to manage conflict online?
-move to a richer medium(phone, in person)
-understand the issues before responding
-use caution when trying to lighten the tone (you can't read their nonverbal behavior to know if a joke is helping
-put yourself in the other persons position
Strategies to mange conflict online
Sending an overly
negative online message that
personally attacks another person.
The loss of
inhibitions when interacting with
someone online that leads to the
tendency to escalate conflict.
collaboration or compromise
If both people who are involved in a conflict have a secure attachment style (as discussed in Chapter 2, meaning they were raised in a "secure" family that fostered trust, love,
and support), then they are likely to use what kind of conflict management style?
(Researchers have also found that, overall, gay and lesbian couples used more mutual avoidance and withholding communication during conflict than did heterosexual couples.)
conflict. If one person is "secure" and the other
"insecure" in terms of attachment style, there is likely to be more...
Dredging up old problems and issues from the past to use against your partner.
1. Hard emotions- feeling angry and irritated
2. soft emotions- feeling hurt, sad and vulnerable
3. flat emotions- feeling indifferent, bored or uninterested
3 types of emotions that typically occur during conflict
Anger is an emotional response to what?
use the word I to express how a
speaker is feeling.
the word but that may communicate that whatever you've said
prior to but is not really true.
Manage your emotions
Manage the problem
skills to manage conflict
- go to the balcony -(time out)
-Step to the side -(change from confrontation to conversation)
-Change the frame-(look at it from another point of view)
-Build a golden bridge-(help the other person say yes by saving face, or finding an alternative that allows the other person his or her dignity by using standards to find a solution)
-Make it hard to say no. -(use information to educate)
how to manage conflict with difficult people
A person's positive
perception of himself or herself
in interactions with others.
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