Bugsy Malone Jr. - Scenes 1-7, lines for Bugsy Malone

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SCENE 1. Opening
Someone once said, if it was raining brains, Roxy Robinson wouldn't even get wet. In all of New York they didn't come much dumber than Roxy the Weasel. To be Frank, Roxy was a dope.
Bronx Charlie: Shoulders, the alleyway quick. He's making for Perito's. Benny, cover the back. Yonkers, watch the sidewalk.
Dumb as Roxy was, he could smell trouble like other people could smell gas. But he should never have taken that blind alley by the side of Perito's Bakery.
Bronx Charlie: The same Roxy the Weasel who works for Fat Sam?
Roxy: (nods) Uh huh.
Whatever game it was that everyone was playing, sure as eggs is eggs, Roxy Robinson had been well and truly scrambled.
(Lights up on a BARBER cutting FLASH FRANKIE's hair.)
Now, the guy in the chair here is Flash Frankie. The best lawyer in New York. Sure, he's a little shady, but he's the best...Believe me, Flash Frankie's silver tongue can get a guy out of jail quicker than a truckload of dynamite.
(#3 - splurge attendants 2 is played as the SPLURGE ATTENDANTS help the ailing FRANKIE and BARBER offstage.)
Now, as you can see, something kind of fishy is going on here. To be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to wonder what's going on myself... I mean this show's only just started and already the stage is full of washed-up hoods. But by the final curtain I'm thinkin' everything will turn out A-OK. And who knows, we may just learn a thing or two along the way. Oh, by the way, you're probably wondering who I am.
My name's Malone...Bugsy Malone.
(MA BECKER enters. Behind the counter a sign reads: 'BOOK EMPORIUM - A BOOK IS CHEAPER THAN A STEAK. READ ONE, LEARN A LITTLE AND EAT BETTER.' BLOUSEY BROWN enters the stage, carrying a large bag with a baseball bat protruding from it. BUGSY looks up from his newspaper and eyes her up and down. BLOUSEY hands MA BECKER a piece of paper. MA BECKER knocks on the bookcase. A door opens and she vanishes inside.
I grew up on the streets of the Lower East Side - Manhattan. I'd drifted from this to that, you know, walking the line, trying hard not to get caught in the crossfire between the two fellas that controlled our neighborhood - Fat Sam Stacetto and Dandy Dan...
...until, that is, the night I walked in here - to Ma Becker's Book Store.
(There is a sudden light shift indicating that the narration has ended, and the scene is suddenly live.)
(to BLOUSEY)
Hi, how you doing? I'm Bugsy Malone.
(BLOUSEY ignores him.)
You a dancer? Ah, a singer, right? Oh...a baseball player.
Blousey: Zip the lip, Wisey. I'm in no mood for conversation.
You don't like me?
Fizzy: If she's here about the audition, Bugsy, she's got a long wait. Every day they tell me to come back tomorrow.
(to audience) Now, you might be wondering what kind of crazy place this is - with people disappearing into bookcases. Well, firstly, this neighborhood really ain't for dumb bums, and secondly, this bookstore? It ain't no bookstore. This is Fat Sam's place - Fat Sam's grand slam - liveliest joint in town.
("Fat Sam's Grand Slam" ends and we see Bugsy and Blousey collide center-stage.)
Hey! Look where you're going, will ya?
Blousey: I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry. Oh...it's you, Dandruff.
...Don't worry--I've had a shampoo since we last spoke...Say, that baseball bat could be classified as a dangerous weapon, ya know.
Blousey: My mother made me pack it.
Oh, so you're a sports nut?
Blousey: It's for protection, in case I get robbed.
Say, you're a singer, right?
Blousey: That depends on your taste in music. I'm here about a job.
Did you get the job?
Blousey: They said "Come back tomorrow."
Oh, they always do. What's your name, anyway?
Blousey: Brown.
Sounds like a loaf of bread.
Blousey: Blousey Brown.
Well...sounds like a stale loaf of bread.
Blousey: Keep your jokes behind your teeth, Wisey.
...Pleased to meet you. I'm Bugsy Malone.
(SCENE TWO. Lights up on Bugsy and Blousey who are on the streets of the Lower East Side. Bugsy is still trying to befriend her. She is still uninterested in him.)
Could I give you a lift?
Blousey: You got a car?
Um...no.
Then how you gonna give me a lift, Buster? Put me in an elevator?
It's a nice night, we could walk. Which way you going?
Blousey: Which way you going?
This way.
Blousey: Then I'm going this way.
(Blousey moves off)
Let me carry your bag at least. Have you eaten?
Blousey: Ever since I was a child.
Then how come you're so skinny, Smartie?
Blousey: I watch my weight.
Yeah...I do that when I'm broke, too. You hungry?
Blousey: No.
You're not hungry?
(A Waiter holds the chair out for Blousey to sit down. The action is continuous, as is the dialogue. A surly Waitress comes up, chewing gum.)
(to Blousey) So, are you going back to the speakeasy tomorrow?
Blousey: Er - no. I'm gonna try my luck at the Bijoux Theatre.
Oh, the Lena Marelli Show?
She's walked out. They're looking for a replacement.
Oh, Lena? She walks out every week. And every week they have auditions, and every week, she walks back again...don't let me put you off.
Blousey: You won't. What do you do?
Oh, this and that.
Oh, crooked huh...
No, not quite. I find fighters, boxers. In fact, I was a fighter myself once: pretty good, too.
Blousey: You were?
Sure, I could have been a champion.
Blousey: You could?
Sure, but for a couple of things.
Blousey: Like what?
Like jelly legs, and a glass jaw.
Blousey: Some champion.
I'd do well for a couple of rounds, but then I'd be about as tough as a pile of cotton wool. I wised up later, before my face looked like a plate of mashed potatoes. I could have been a contender.
Waitress: Look buddy, in case you're wondering, I ain't part of the foyniture. Are you eatin' or are you meetin'?
Meetin' and eatin'. We'll have two Banana Boozles with double ice cream, nuts, and chocolate sauce; two cream Arizona doughnuts; and a Coke with two straws.
(there is pandemonium once more as the Hoods rush in and take aim with their splurgers. Bugsy and Blousey take refuge under the table.)
Ya know, we can't go on meeting like this.
SCENE THREE. "That's Why They Call Him Dandy" ends. Blackout. Bugsy enters.
Meanwhile, back at Fat Sam's, Fizzy was cleanin' the joint up after another wild night.
SCENE FOUR. Blousey: I wish they'd hurry up. I get nervous waiting.
Quit worrying, will ya?
Blousey: I didn't count on this many people.
Oh, this bunch? They're all second-rate conjurers and magicians by the look of it. You've got no competition, believe me.
Blousey: How do I look?
You look great.
"Show Business" ends. (Bugsy joins Blousey who sits on the edge of the stage.)
Hey, cheer up, there's a million other jobs.
Blousey: Sure...on the street corner with a hat to catch the dimes in.
...It's only a matter of time.
Blousey: I've been walking the streets of New York for six months now, and the only fancy steps I've done so far are avoiding the man who collects the rent.
So it takes time to be a star! Don't let that get to you! New York's all washed-up, anyway. Now Hollywood, Hollywood is where you should be.
Blousey: Hollywood? How am I gonna get to Hollywood? I don't have enough dough to get to Queens!
No reason to worry...there's always Fat Sam's place.
Blousey: He won't see me.
...I'll talk to him.
Blousey: You know him?
Know him? We're like that.
(Bugsy crosses his fingers)
Blousey: Real good friends?
No, not exactly. It's just that when I talk to him I cross my fingers that he won't hit me.
SCENE FIVE. (to audience)
Now, I didn't really know Fat Sam all too well, and I really didn't want to get to know him any better, neither - but Blousey seemed so down...What could I do? I set out to talk to Fat Sam and the gang. You know, none of these guys are bad...they just took a wrong turn somewhere. Someone pushes someone, someone pushes back, then someone else joins in, and suddenly, everyone's fightin' for reasons no one can even remember.
Yikes, here they come...I better lay low.
Fat Sam: Go see who it is, Knuckles. Act normal.
Uh, Sam, yeah--if you're not too busy--could you give a friend of mine an audition for the club--
Knuckles: OK, Boss... (writing a list) New number...find brains...Uh, Boss...how do you spell brains?
(Bugsy crosses to Blousey)
It's all set up, Blousey. Sam'll be down any minute now.
Tallulah: Suddenly everyone wants to be in show business.
Oh...Tallulah...hi...
Girls: Hi, Bugsy.
Hi, Loretta--Dotty--Tillie--Bangles...
Tallulah: I said beat it (the girls leave). Long time no see, Bugsy.
Well, uh, you know how it is. I've been busy.
Tallulah: Doing what?
Oh--this and that. Nothing much.
Tallulah: You're aces, you know that Bugsy? I've always found you kind of special.
Careful, Tallulah, you're racing my motor.
Tallulah: You've got lovely brown eyes.
They'll be lovely black eyes if Fat Sam catches us.
Tallulah edges closer.
Tallulah, I'm warning you...if you come any closer I'll call my lawyer.
Knuckles: Boss, the broad's ready for her audition.
Oh, hi Blousey--this isn't what it seems to be--
Fat Sam: Very nice. Very nice. You're hired. Tallulah! Let's hear the new number...something upbeat!
(Bugsy approaches Blousey)
Great, Blousey! I told you you'd make it. That was terrific, really terrific.
Tallulah: What about Bugsy here. He's smart...and good looking. (Blousey walks away)
Blousey, wait! I can--explain...
Tallulah: What's your pleasure, Bugsy?
Special on the rocks, Tallulah...Please.
Fat Sam: Bugsy, I need your help. I'm in a jam. Dandy Dan's breathing down my neck, and any day now he'll be taking over my entire organization.
But you've still got all this.
Fat Sam: Bugsy, I need help. My gang's gone. My friends don't want to know me. My business ain't worth a hill of beans. I'm a wreck. In short, Bugsy, I need you.
Me, Sam? Why me?
Fat Sam: 'Cause you're know mug. You've got brains - up here. Not pretzels.
...No thanks, Sam. Rough stuff ain't my line.
Fat Sam: I need you to find me a gang. Help me and I'll give you four hundred bucks.
...Four hundred dollars! That's enough for two tickets to Hollywood!
Fat Sam: Do we have a deal?
...We have a deal!
Bangles: Tallulah wants a lemon coke, no ice. Hold the lemon.
Bangles! Tell Blousey I need to see her!
(Bugsy straightens his tie noticing flowers on the table in a vase. He removes them from the vase as Blousey enters.)
Here.
Blousey: I'll see Tallulah gets them.
Quit being smart, OK? They're for you.
Blousey: For me?
Well I didn't get 'em for the audience.
Blousey: Oh, Bugsy, they're lovely. But I've got to go.
I'll see you later?
Blousey: Yeah...like ten years later.
Hey...I've got a job
Blousey: You don't get paid for standing in breadlines, buster.
A legit job. We'll have enough money for two tickets to the coast and Hollywood...Just think of that...Who knows, they're always looking for new stars...
Blousey: I really have to go.
...Look, Blousey...trust me.
SCENE SIX. (A single spot on Bugsy as he walks to the front of the stage.)
(to audience) I know, I know, never trust anyone who says "trust me." But I was on the level, honest I was. I was determined to buy those tickets and California here we come! But first, I had to earn the four hundred bucks. Finding a new gang wasn't easy. It's not like I could place an ad in the Times. And then it hit me...
(indicating to a few of the Down and Outs)
Hey you guys, wanna job?
Down and Out #1: What kinda job?
Your basic wise guy, "Yes, Boss," duck-and-cover, hoodlum sort of work.
Clipboard Willy: All right boys, set 'em down here. Dandy Dan's guy must be running late. Let's get the crates.
(They exit, leaving the crates.)
You guys in or out?
Down and Out #2: Two bucks a day, plus food.
Done...Now grab those crates and RUN! (blackout)
I held up my end of the bargain AND got my hands on some splurgers for Sam's new gang. Sam held up his end of the bargain by paying me the four hundred bucks...plus fifty bucks, for bein' smart. I headed out to pick up two tickets to Hollywood and, as dumb luck would have it, ran into Dandy Dan and his gang getting ready to do something...something pretty awful.
SCENE SEVEN. Dandy Dan: Too kind, guys. Too kind. Now for Fat Sam's Grand Slam. (Dandy Dan and the Hoods exit. Bugsy enters.)
I had to warn Sam and Blousey and the gang. This was gonna be the big one! And now that Sam had splurgers of his own...I could smell disaster for everyone involved. But I had an idea: if I just could get everyone together, maybe we could solve the problem...with a much less messy outcome.
Fat Sam: You think that will work? Just talking?
It's worth a try. OK, everyone, off you go: ACT LIKE NORMAL. Music. Let's hear you.
Fat Sam: Guys, let 'em have it!!!
Wait! Look, Mister Dandy and Mister...Fat. We've made a big enough mess in this theatre. You splurge him, he splurges you - where will it end? Pretty soon, only this audience here will be left to splurge.