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(verbal greeting) Verbal salutes

"Hi, Hello, etc.."

(verbal greeting) Initiation of the topic

"The reason I called..."

(verbal greeting) Reference to the other

"Hey Joe what's up"

(verbal greeting) personal inquiries

"What's new? How are you doing?"

Nonverbal greetings

waving, smiling, shaking hands, winking


message before the main message

Functions of feedforward

Open the channels of communication with a phatic message, and to preview future messages


substance and focus of the conversation


reflect back on conversation


the goodbye: signals intention to end access and supportiveness

Conversation Process

Opening, Feedforward, Business, Feedback, Closing

Principle of turn-taking: metacommunication

both speaker and listener exchange cues for conversational turns; enable the speaker and listener to communicate about the communication in which they're currently engaged

Turn maintaining cues

communicate your wish to maintain the role of speaker:
audibly inhaling breath
continuing gestures
avoiding eye contact
sustaining the intonation pattern
vocalizing pauses (fillers)

Turn yielding cues

tell the listener that the speaker is finished and wishes to exchange the role of speaker for the role of listener
"Okay?" or "right" to ask listener to assume role of speaker
Dropping intonation
Pausing at length
Making direct eye contact
asking a question
nodding in the direction of the listener

Listener cues

turn requesting cues, turn denying cues, backchanneling cues, interruptions

Turn requesting cues

A listener cue; let the speaker know you would like to say something and take a turn as a speaker

Turn denying cues

A listener cue; indicate your reluctance to assume the role of the speaker

backchanneling cues

A listener cue; used to communicate various types of information back to the speaker without assuming the role of speaker (acknowledgement tokens, overlaps)

Purpose of backchanneling cues

to indicate agreement or disagreement
to indicate degree of involvement
to pace the speaker
to ask for clarification


A listener cue; attempts to take over the role of the speaker; men interrupt more than women


conversation in which there is genuine two-way interaction;
deep concern for the other person and the relationship
objective of dialogue is mutual understanding and empathy
respect for other person
uses positive criticism
willingness to listen


communication in which one person speaks and the other listens; no real interaction between participants

Principle of Immediacy

the creation of closeness between speaker and listener; communicated both verbally and nonverbally

Principle of Flexibility

analyze the specific conversational situation,
mindfully consider your available choices,
estimate the potential advantages/disadvantages,
competently communicate your choice

What does monologue do?

Focuses on his or her own goals and has Has no real concern for the listener's feelings
uses negative criticism and negative judgements
Has no listening cues

Types of everyday conversations

Small talk, introducing people, excuses and apologies, complimenting, advice

Small talk

used to pass time, be polite and confirm all is well
topics are non controversial

Guidelines for effective small talk

be positive
be sensitive to leave-taking cues
stress similarities not differences
answer questions with sufficient elaboration
avoid monologuing
choose topics carefully

Introducing people

mention brief details about how you know the person
mention commonalities between the two
avoid disclosing sensitive information
Use handshake in US-follow culture specific rules in other countries

Excuses and apologies

explanations or actions that lessen the negative implications of an actor's performance thereby maintaing a positive image for oneself and others

Motives for making excuses

maintain self esteem
protect a positive image of yourself to others
reduce stress
maintain effective interpersonal relationships after some negative behavior

Types of excuses

I didn't do it.
It wasn't so bad.
Yes, but

Characteristics of good excuses

Demonstrate that you understand the problem and that your partner's feelings are legitimate and justified.
Acknowledge your responsibility
Acknowledge your displeasure at what you did
Make it clear that your misdeed will never happen again
Apologize-express your sorrow or regret


expressions of regret or sorrow for have done what you did or for what happened; often includes request for forgiveness; help repair the relationship and the reputation of the wrongdoer

Tips for effective apologies

Do admit wrong doing
Do be apologetic
State specific rather than general terms you've done
Express understanding of how the other feels
Express your regret
Offer to correct problem
Give assurance it won't happen again


message of praise, flattery or congratulations; people either deny or accept when receiving a compliment

Compliment can function as

a way of relating to another person with positiveness
a conversation starter
to encourage the other person to compliment you

Suggestions for giving a compliment

Be real and honest
Compliment in moderation
Be totally complimentary
Be specific
Be personal in your own feelings
Compliment for accomplishments rather for who they are or for things we have no control


process of giving another person a suggestion for thinking or behaving, usually change


advice about advice; one of the safest forms of advice

3 types of meta-advice

to explore options and choices
to seek expert advice
to delay decision

Suggestions for giving advice

listen, empathize, be tentative, offer options, ensure understanding, keep the interaction confidential, avoid "should" statements

Suggestions for responding to advice

if you asked for the advice, accept what the person says
resist the temptation to retaliate or criticize the advice giver
interact with the advice
express your appreciation for the advice

Relationship Stages

1. Contact
2. Involvement
3. Intimacy
4. Deterioration
5. Repair
6. Dissolution

Types of contact

perceptual contact, interactional contact, invitational communication

Perceptual contact

you see what the person looks like, you hear what the person sounds like, you get a physical picture of this person

Interactional contact

interaction is superficial and impersonal

Invitational communication

discuss the possibility of further interaction


sense of mutuality, of being connected develops


part of involvement- experiment and try to learn more about the other person


part of involvement- begin to reveal information about yourself


feeling that you can be honest and open when talking about yourself, that you can express thoughts and feelings you wouldn't reveal in other relationships

Parts of intimacy

commitment to other person
communication becomes more personalized, more synchronized and easier
Increase your display of affiliative cues: signs that show you love the other person

2 phases of intimacy

interpersonal commitment phase
social bonding phase

Interpersonal commitment phase

commit yourself to one another in a private way

Social bonding phase

commitment is made public


the weakening of bonds between the parties and that represents the downside of relationship progression; occurs when the reasons for coming together are no long present or change drastically


attempt to fix the problems in the relationship

Two phases of repair

intrapersonal repair and interpersonal repair

Intrapersonal repair

you analyze what went wrong and consider ways of solving your relational difficulties

Interpersonal repair

you may discuss problems and possible resolutions with partner

Strategies for repairing a relationship

recognize the problem
engage in productive conflict resolution
pose possible solutions
affirm each other
integration solutions
risk giving


cutting of the bonds tying you together

3 phases of dissolution

interpersonal separation, social or public separation, goodbye

Interpersonal separation

may not see each other anymore, may not return messages, or physical separation

Social or public separation

follow separation period, it is made permanent ex divorce or break-up


point at which become an ex-lover or ex-friend; may cause relief and relaxation, frustration, guilt, regret

Suggestions for dealing with emotional difficulty

break the loneliness-depression cycle
take time out
bolster self-esteem
seek the support of others
avoid repeating negative patterns

Attraction theory

assumes that people form relationships on the basis of attraction

4 factors of attraction theory

similarity, proximity, reinforcement, physical attractiveness and personality


people like those who are similar to them in nationality, race, abilities, physical characteristics, intelligence and attitudes
Complementarity: occurs when people are attracted to relationship partners that are their opposites


people are attracted to those close to them; physical closeness is crucial in early stages of relationship partners that are their opposites


people are attracted to individuals who provide rewards or reinforcement.

Physical attractiveness and personality

people like others who are physically attractive and have attractive personalities

Relationship rules theory

assumes that relationships are held together by adherence to certain rules; if rules are broken then relationship declines

Friendship rules

standing up for friends when they are not present, sharing information and feelings about successes, demonstrating emotional support, trusting and offering to help a friend in need and trying to make a friend happy when you're together

Romantic rules

1. acknowledge each other's identities and recognize that each has life outside relationship
2. express similarities in attitudes, beliefs, values and interests
3. enhance the value and self-esteem of the other person
4. be open an honest
5. be faithful
6. spend significant time together
7. obtain rewards that are proportional to the effort extended
8. experience a magic in each other

Family rules

what can you talk about?
How can you talk about something?
To whom can you talk to about family matters?

Workplace rules

each organization develops rules unique to its corporate cultures

Relationship dialects theory

assumes that people in a relationship experience dynamic tensions between pairs of opposing motive or desires

closedness vs. openness relationship theory

occurs s most during early stages of development; exclusive relationship vs. relationship that is open to different people

autonomy and connection relationship theory

desire to remain an independent individual vs. wish to connect intimately to another person

novelty and predictability relationship theory

competing desires of newness, adventure vs. sameness, stability, comfortability

Social penetration theory

describes relationships in terms of self-disclosure, the number of topics they talk about and their degree of "personalness"

Breadth (social penetration theory)

number of topics discussed in a relationship

Depth (social penetration theory)

degree to which you penetrate the inner personality of the other individual

Depentration (social penetration theory)

reversal of the depth and breadth of self-disclosure during relationship deterioration

Social exchange theory

theory based on an economic model of profits and losses that assumes that people develop relationships that will enable them to maximize profits

Comparison level (social exchange)

the general idea of the kinds of rewards and profits that you feel you ought to get out of a relationship

Comparison level for alternatives (social exchange)

compare the profits you get from current relationships with the profits you think you'd get from alternate relationships

Equity theory

uses the ideas of social exchange theory, but claims that you develop and maintain relationships in which the ratio of your rewards relative to your costs is approximately equal to your partner's

Equitable relationship

one in which each person derives rewards that are proportional to their costs
being underbenifited=anger overbenefited=guilt


reaction to a relationship threat; feeling we have when we feel our relationship is in danger due to some rival;


emotional feeling that we experience when we desire what someone else has, or more than we do, may feel inferior to someone else

Cognitive jealousy


Emotional jealousy


behavioral jealousy


mate guarding

strategies enacted when we are suspicious that a rival is looking to steal our relationship partner

Integrative communication

positive responses to jealousy

3 types of relationship violence

physical abuse, verbal or emotional, sexual


an interpersonal relationship between two persons that is mutually productive and characterized by mutual positive regard

Friendship types

friendship of reciprocity, friendship of receptivity, friendship of association

Friendship of reciprocity

ideal type characterized by loyalty, self-sacrifice, mutual affection and generosity

Friendship of receptivity

imbalance in giving and receiving; one person is the primary giver and the other is the primary receiver

Friendship of association

transitory; a friendly relationship based on association such as classmates, neighbors or co workers

5 qualities we look for in friendships

utility, affirmation, ego support, stimulation, and security

Initial contact and acquaintanceship

1st stage of friendship development; more guarded in self disclosure, limited ability to empathize with the other and awkward interactions

Casual friendship

a clear sense of "we-nesss" or dyadic consciousness; immediacy is communicated, more open expression and interaction is more coordinated

Close and intimate friendship

intensification of casual friendship marked by increased levels of self-disclosure, affection, caring, liking/loving for other person

Culture and friendships

friendships are generally closer in collectivist cultures than in individualistic cultures

Gender and friendships

women self-disclose more than men; women engage in significantly more affectional behaviors with their friends than men; women build friendships around communication, men build friendships around shared activities

Technology and friendships

online interpersonal relationships are increasing

Network Convergence

as a relationship between two people develops, they begin to share their network of other communicators with each other


love type based on beauty and sexuality-erotic love


love typed based on entertainment and excitement; love is a bam based on entertainment and excitement


love type that is peaceful and slow; companionable love based on friendship and shared activities


love type that is practical and traditional; love that seeks compatibility and need fulfillment


love type based on elation and depression; characterized by extreme highs and lows


compassionate and selfless; varieties of love can combine to form new patterns; love often changes over the course of a relationship

Love and communication

individuals in love frequently use personalized communication (secrets, special meanings)
engage in significant self-disclosure
express love nonverbally with tie signs (gestures that show your'e together)

Culture and love

Asians are more friendship oriented in their love styles than Europeans

What cultures place greater emphasis on romantic love and individual fulfillment?


What culture is more likely to spread love over a large network of relatives?


Gender and Love

men and women experience love to a similar degree but do differ in the types of love they prefer

Traditional couples

share basic belief system and philosophy of life that views blending of two persons into a single couple; traditional sex roles; minimal conflict or power struggles; communication is highly responsive

Independent couples

stress individuality; relationship is important but not more important than each other's individual identity; spend time together but not ritualized; communication includes open conflict but are responsive to one another

Separate couples

live together but view their relationship more as a matter of convenience than a result of mutual love or closeness; together only at ritual functions; maintains traditional and psychological space; traditional sex roles; sees themselves as an individual

Family characteristics-defined roles

each person is expected to play specific roles in relation to one another and follow the rules of the culture and social group

family characteristics-shared history and future

history enables members to get to know one another and to like/love one another; relationships persist in the future

family characteristics-shared living space

most families share living space; is an increase in individuals retaining original homes

Primary relationship

relationship between two people that the partners see as their most important interpersonal relationship


one of 4 basic communication patterns for families; each person shares equally in the communication transaction and each person is accorded a similar degree of credibility; exists more in same sex couples than different sex couples; conflict is not threatening but is exchange of ideas, opinions, etc.

Balanced split

one of 4 basic communication patterns for families: equality relationship is maintained, but each person has authority over different domains, conflict is not threatening, each person has area of expertise

Unbalanced split

one of 4 basic communications patterns for families; one person dominates or is seen as the expert in more than half of the areas of mutual communication; more powerful person dominates arguments


one of 4 basic communications patterns for families; one person is seen as the authority; the powerful person lectures more than communicates and always has final say; few arguments because both know who will win the argument should it arise

Culture influences the kind of love individuals want


Culture influences sex roles


Culture influences whether same sex couples are accepted or condemned


Technology has changed how families manage relationships



occurs when people are interdependent, mutually aware that their goals are incompatible and perceive each other as interfering with the attainment of their own goals

Online conflict

junk mail, spamming, flaming

Workplace and formal group conflict

procedural and people conflict

Procedural conflict

involve disagreement of who is in charge, what the agenda or task of the group should be, and how group should conduct its business

People conflict

occur when one member dominates the group, when several members battle for control or when some refuse to participate

Myths about conflict

conflict is best avoided
if two people are in a relationship conflict, their relationship conflict is bad
conflict damages interpersonal relationships
conflict is bad because it reveals our negative side

Truth about conflict

conflict is neither good nor bad; it is the way that people approach conflict that causes harm
conflict is inevitable

Content conflict

centers on objects, events and persons that are usually external to the people involved in the conflict

Relationship conflict

concerned with the relationship between the individuals

Negative aspects of conflict

often leads to increased negative regard for opponent, conflict may lead you to close yourself off from the other person

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