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Monologues for Auditions

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Glass Menagerie - Sarcasm speech
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Listen! You think I'm crazy about the warehouse? You think I'm in love with the Continental Shoemakers? You think I want to spend fifty-five years down there in that - celotex interior! with - fluorescent - tubes! Look! I'd rather somebody picked up a crowbar and battered out my brains - than go back mornings! I go! Every time you come in yelling that ******** "Rise and Shine!" "Rise an Shine!" I say to myself, "How lucky dead people are!" I go! For sixty-five dollars a month I give up all that I dream of doing and being ever! And you say self - self's all I ever think of. Why, listen, if self is what I thought of, Mother, I'd be where father is - GONE! As far as the system of transportation reaches. SO, I'm going to the movies! (break) I'm going to opium dens! Yes, opium dens, dens of vice and criminals' hang-outs, Mother I've joined the Hogan Gang, I'm a hired assassin, I carry a Tommy gun in a violin case. I run a string of cat houses in the Valley. They call me Killer, Killer Wingfield. I'm leading a double life: a simple, honest warehouse worker by day, by night, a dynamic czar of the underworld, Mother. I go to gambling casinos, I spin away fortunes on the roulette table! I wear a patch over one eye and a false mustache, sometimes I put on green whiskers. On those occasions they call me - El Diablo. Oh I could tell you many things to make you sleepless. My enemies plan to dynamite this place. They're going to blow us all sky high some night. I'll be glad, very happy, and so will you! You'll go up, up on a broomstick, over Blue Mountain with seventeen gentleman callers. You ugly, babbling old witch....
I know it's his place. I bet the whole house is. He's not even laying on any gas now either. It's his place, all right. Look at all the other places. You go to this address, there's a key there, there's a teapot, there's never a soul in sight?(He pauses.) Eh, nobody ever hears a thing, have you ever thought of that? We never get any complaints, do we, too much noise or anything like that? You never see a soul, do you? ?except the bloke who comes. You ever noticed that? I wonder if the walls are sound-proof. (He touches the wall above his bed.) Can't tell. All you do is wait, eh? Half the time he doesn't even bother to put in an appearance, Wilson.
I saw the villa get beat in a cup tie once who was it against now white shirts, It was one all at half time I will never for get it their opponents won by a penalty talk about drama yes it was a disputed penalty kick they got beat two one any way because of it you were there your self, yes you were there don't you remember that disputed penalty, he went down just inside the area and they said was just acting I don't think the other bloke touched him myself but he had the ball right on the spot
I'm not the kind of guy who spends hundreds on a last minute flight back to New York, tears across town, then runs up six flights of stairs and knocks on my best friend's girlfriend's door in order to run off and elope with her based on one crazy, thoughtless, inexplicably romantic night.

So what am I doing here, Audrey? I'm not passionate. I'm a fact checker for Christ's sake. And the fact of me - being here - doesn't check out. It's nuts! Soul-mates? I don't believe in them. Never have. So how can I be yours? The fact is, you hardly know me! And I hardly know you!

Now, your boyfriend, I've known since kindergarten. Am I really willing to throw all those years of friendship away based on...what? Some feeling? Some intense, aching, gnawing, burning, torturing feeling that's telling me I must be with you or I'll die a slow and horrible death as my heart slowly breaks into a thousand pieces? No!

I mean, this is the kind of thing that only happens in the movies - and we're not in the movies. We're on McDougal Street, two blocks south of Bleecker - that's where we are. That is an indisputable geographical fact. A solid, rational, clear, black and white fact. And all the facts are pointing to one thing: we can't do this. All the facts say I shouldn't be here.

Because the fact is you are in a relationship. Because the fact is we just met yesterday. Because the fact is I'm not the kind of guy who falls in love. That's a fact. A cold hard fact. And facts are supposed to be true.

But the problem is....see...the problem is...despite every fact I can muster, there's something that still doesn't check out. Because the truth is despite all facts to the contrary...I still love you madly. And it just defies all reason. All morality. All sense. But I do. I love you madly. And it's not like me. And I don't want to. But I can't help it.

I'm yours, Audrey. Completely, totally, hopelessly, and utterly...yours..
I just feckin' killed Chuck. I think. I mean, he's just laying out there. He's not moving. I don't think he's breathing.

I mean, there I was just up on the roof with Marissa - talking, laughing, having a great time. I tell her she reminds me of Sandra Bullock. I tell her I loved "Hope Floats." Who knew those would be the magic words? Next thing I know her clothes are off and we're loosening roof shingles like there's no tomorrow. And then there's biting and kissing and touching and suddenly someone starts beating on me, I mean, just pounding on me and growling. Yeah, growling. And I look up and there's Chuck. And I'm like, "What's the problem?" and he says "The problem is, dude, you're fecking my girlfriend."

So I look at Marissa and I'm like "You're someone's girlfriend?" And she says "No." Then it comes out Chuck just wishes she's his girlfriend but actually she's his cousin or something, so he's got these feelings of guilt about wanting her...and then he starts crying.

So that ruined the mood. Marissa puts her clothes on, and she goes back down through the window, back into the party. And I'm left with Chuck. Blubbering, whining, crying Chuck.

And he starts in on how he's just this totally fecked up and maybe he should just throw himself off the roof. And for a split second I'm thinking "YES! Throw yourself off the roof! Do it!" But I don't say that. I say I "You're gonna get a girl, buddy, just maybe not your cousin, huh?" And then I give him a friendly pat on the back. A nice manly slap on the back. And he looked heavy, I mean, who knew he'd go flying.

Who knew he'd go flying right off the roof?
There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.' I been saying that sht for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded sht to say to a motherfecker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some sht this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9 millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that sht ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.
Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. ... So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, 'cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option... 'Oh he's got a good job.' I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around.
Where I was taken to, Brothers, was like no cine I ever viddied before. I was bound up in a strait jacket and my Gulliver was strapped to a headrest with like wires running away from it. Then they clamped like lid locks on my eyes so that I could not shut them no matter how hard I tried. It seemed a bit crazy to me but I let them get on with it. If I was to be a free young malchick again in a fortnight's time I would put up with much in the meantime, O my Brothers. ... So far the first film, was a very good professional piece of cine. Like it was done in Hollywood. The sounds were real horror show, you could slooshie the screams and moans very realistic. You could even get the heavy breathing and panting of the tolchcoking malchicks at the same time. And then what do you know, soon our dear old friend the red red vino on tap. The same in all places, like it was put out by the same big firm, began to flow. It was beautiful. It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen. Now all the time I was watching this, I was beginning to get very aware of like not feeling all that well. And this this I put down to all the rich food and vitamins. But I tried to forget this, concentrating on the next film which jumped right away on a young devotchka who was being given the old in-out, in-out. First by one malchick, then another, then another. When it came to the sixth or seventh malchick leering and smecking and going into it, I began to feel really sick. But I could not shut me glassies and even if I tried to move my glassballs about, I still not get out of the line of fire of this picture. I'm going to be sick! Get something for me to be sick in!
And thats what they have gutters for... Boy if my mother knew i was writing all of this down, she would stuff me like one of her chickens.... So i guess i better explain what i meant by aunt blanche's situation... Well some six years back her husband uncle dave died of this.... Thing.... They never said the word.... They just whispered it... It was cancer... I think they were afraid that if god heard it he would say.... I heard you speak the dreaded disease and just for that i am going to strike you down with it... Guess there are just some things that adults wont talk about... Take my grandfather he died of diphtheria... Well any way after uncle dave died he left aunt blanche with nothing not even insurance, and because she had asthma she had no way of providing for her self. So my big hearted mother insisted that she and her kids stay with us, so that chopped my room in to two smaller rooms and me and my brother Stan live on this side and her daughter luarie and her sister nora live on that side. My father thought it would be temporary but it has been 3 and a half years now and i think that because of aunt blanche's situation, my father is developing... High blood pressure
In the fairy tale criminal Justice system, the characters are represented by two separate but equally outlandish groups the fable police who investigate crime and fable the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. This is one of their stories. C.S.I Fairy Tale Division, A play by Glenn A. Hascall CSI # 1: So what'a we got? PHOTO GUY: A Canis Lupis in the great room, an adolescent female with vision problems and a senior citizen found in the closet. CSI # 1: She OK? PHOTO GUY: Yeah, she'll be fine. No abrasions to speak of. Her granddaughter dropped by with a package. CSI # 1: A package. PHOTO GUY: A transportation devise primarily comprised of whicker with a cotton lining. CSI # 1: A basket. OK, where's the granddaughter? PHOTO GUY: She's the one in red over there. (Point toward Red) CSI # 1: (Walks toward Red) So, you were delivering something to your grandmother? RED: Yes, French Crullers. CSI # 2: The pastry? RED: (Confused) Yes. CSI # 2: I only ask because I once knew a French Cruller - he was really very good at Parcheesi. RED: (Tries to be polite) No it was the donut, not the famous Parcheesi player. CSI # 1: Hmmmm. (Reaches down with tweezers and picks up something) CSI # 2: What is it? CSI # 1: These old things? Why they're tweezers, but there's no time to talk about them. We really need to find out what happened here. We've got one Canis Lupus by the fire place and the only thing we are sure of is that French Cruller was nowhere near the scene of the crime. CSI # 2: (Turns attention to Granny) So what exactly happened ma'am? GRANNY: Well, I was sitting in the easy chair watching Oprah when this 'fur ball' arrived unannounced. He placed a double layer of duct tape over my mouth and put me in the closet. CSI # 1: (Picks up a strip of duct tape with his tweezers) Is this it ma'am? GRANNY: Yes. CSI # 2: Had you ever seen this 'fur ball' before? GRANNY: No, that's what made his behavior so unusual. CSI # 1: So when you say 'fur ball' ... you mean? CSI # 2: I would assume a ball of fur - possibly the size of a softball - maybe a bit larger. GRANNY: No, I mean a wolf - a gray wolf - possibly 18-24 months of age. CSI # 2: Oh, (Scribbles out a few lines on his notepad) do you think you could identify this 'fur ball' if you saw him again? GRANNY: Yeah! CSI # 1: That's great, let's get Granny downtown to look over mug shots. GRANNY: Don't need to. CSI # 2: Why's that, Granny? GRANNY: That's him by the fireplace. CSI # 1: Check to see if he's got any ID. CSI # 2: (WOLF should lift his arm with the wallet - CSI # 1 takes it from him) Well, how do you explain this? (Looks at Granny) His ID indicates that he's you. GRANNY: What? CSI # 1: (Looks at the ID) He's not very photogenic. GRANNY: (Exasperated) Haven't you ever heard of identity theft? CSI # 1: Identity theft? CSI # 2: Diabolical. CSI # 1: (Looks at Granny) So who are you pretending to be? GRANNY: Not ME - HIM! CSI # 1: Oh, so you're saying that the wolf subject was attempting to assume your identity. GRANNY: (Frustrated) YES! CSI # 2: Wow, never saw that coming. (Looks at the wolf) Although I will say the deceased looks nothing like you - and he needs a shave. CSI # 1: That's why we follow the evidence. CSI # 2: Miss Red, could we speak with you for a minute. RED: Sure. CSI # 1: Did you have an altercation with the Canis Lupus? RED: No, but I did have a nasty chat with that wolf over there. CSI # 2: Do you remember any conversation you had with the alleged wolf? RED: I made some general comment about teeth, ear and eye size. I did notice an odor that didn't really smell like grandma. He was 'good'. CSI # 2: Good - as in nice? RED: No, good - as in he had me convinced he was Granny until that whole, "better to eat you with" monologue. CSI # 1: So what happened then? RED: I ran screaming like Chicken Little and then acted like a matador with my red cape - the wolf ran right into the wall. Expired like last week's bologna. CSI # 2: You've been watching too many late night detective shows, ma'am. RED: No, he really smelled like expired bologna. CSI # 1: So you had a lot of experience with spoiled bologna? GRANNY: (Forceful) You don't have to answer that, dear. RED: (Nervous) I think I want to see my lawyer. CSI # 2: Would you excuse us? GRANNY: Sure. (The two CSI staff move apart from Granny and Red to discuss the issue) CSI # 1: It's plain to see that things aren't as they should be. CSI # 2: You got that right. Mom thought I should be in the philharmonic. Still don't know what I'm doing chasing legendary figures here at Fairy Tale Division. CSI # 1: I'm actually talking about the cover up going on here. CSI # 2: Cover up? CSI # 1: I think Granny made a call to Red at midnight. (Have Granny and Red act this part out on separate areas of the stage - use cell phones - add some ethereal music if possible) GRANNY: Red? RED: (Sleepy) Granny? GRANNY: Yes. I need you to come over tomorrow and bring me a basket of strawberry tarts, you know, the kind with cream. RED: Those ARE good. GRANNY: And be sure to leave your glasses at home, dear. You know how I love to see your eyes. RED: But Granny, you know I'm blind as a bat without them. GRANNY: Well, alright, but take them off before you come in. Oh, and wear your red cape. RED: Granny, why are you calling me so late? GRANNY: Nights and weekends are free. CSI # 1: I think that's how it happened. (If you use music, it should end here) GRANNY: That's not true. CSI # 2: Then show us the Crullers ma'am. CSI # 1: You see the wolf population are highly susceptible to the effects of berries and the contents of the basket with Red's fingerprints - yep, strawberry tarts. GRANNY: No. CSI # 2: It's the crack/cocaine of the wolf kingdom. GRANNY: I didn't... CSI # 1: You intentionally dangled it in front of the wolf knowing he's be all it like a four year-old boy on a stink bug.. RED: Granny? GRANNY: But I... CSI # 1: You can come clean, Granny. The wallet has your fingerprints on it. You planted the phony I.D. You intentionally lured the wolf to your property through the use of your granddaughter, Red, and, of course, a few strawberry tarts. GRANNY: No. CSI # 2: You even offered the wolf a few tips on how to act like you so a visually impaired Red, wouldn't know the difference. RED: Granny? GRANNY: (Paused in conflict) Alright - it was me - I did it. RED: (Emotional) Why Granny? GRANNY: Well, I... WOLF: (Pops up from the ground.) CSI # 1: Well now this is a surprise. CSI # 2: And he's alive. WOLF: (Brushes his arms) Granny was in the midst of training for her new role in a secret branch of the government designed to assist officials in locating bad guys originating in children's literature. CSI # 2: And who are you? WOLF: Special agent Johnny Wolfiwittz (Flips out a badge). This was a simple training exercise - a misunderstanding, although I wasn't expecting to be put out of commission by a wall. CSI # 1: Don't you people ever send a memo? WOLF: No. But I am working another case tomorrow in your district. CSI # 2: Really? WOLF: Yes, there are three pigs that just moved here. They are homebuilders by trade, it's believed that their penchant for shoddy work may cause problems for their customers. There's a lot of huffing and puffing down at headquarters about that. CSI # 1: Tell me about it. CSI # 2: We'll get a report on this? WOLF: (Overly friendly) Probably not. CSI # 1: You know Mr. Wolfiwittz - there's just one thing I don't understand. WOLF: What's that? CSI # 1: How it is that the surveillance camera outside Granny's house shows you sneaking into the home wearing an outfit similar to Granny? WOLF: (Nervous) Surveillance tape? CSI # 1: You might have gotten away with it to if it hadn't been for something that Red said. WOLF: What was that. RED: (Re-enacting the moment) He just smelled like expired bologna. CSI # 2: You see, we just received word that the three little pigs had already had a visitor today. WOLF: (Broken) Look I was on a diet - one of those new no pork things - I tried, really I did. Is it a crime to go off your diet? CSI # 1: (Places cuffs on the Wolf) Tell it to the judge. CSI # 2: Yesterday it was pork cutlets - today?
Dee: What is this thing?
Charlie: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee: Oh God.
Charlie: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee: Oh my God.
You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress? This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's ****** hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single ***** desk in that office! in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a ****** ghost town.
[A kafe in Kitguli. Price is drinking at the bar there and he's got several stacks of coffee cups before him. His left leg is trembling]

Price:Hit me! Gimme another one! Come ON! [the barkeep pours him another cup] Thank you. You wanna hear something funny? I used tot hink drinking coffee was wrong. You wanna know why? HM! Because ap-parently, a tribe of ancient Jews lived in America created huge civilizations and were visited by Christ, but then, then disappeared, leaving no archaeological trace of themselves except... for golden plates, which were then dug up by a farmer who wrote down, amongst other things, that hot drinks were not for the body to belly, so I can't have a cup of coffee! [the barkeep gets scared and leaves] HA! [trembles and drinks from his cup]
Cunningham:[walks in] Elder Price? <>[Price looks over] Aer you okay?
Price:Well well! If it isn't the super Mormon! Really changed in Uganda, aren'tcha?
Cunningham:I'm doin' what I can.
Price:Yeah? Spreadin' the Word? Makin' more brainwashed zombies?
Cunningham:Elder Price? What happened to you?
Price:I woke up. That's what happened.
Cunningham:Of course you woke up! You drank twelve cups of coffee!!
Price:[stands up and confronts Cunningham] You tell me how it is, huh?! How is it you converted also those people into Mormons?!
Cunningham:I don't know. Once I baptized Nagasaki the others just fell into place. Price:You baptized that girl??
Cunningham:Yeah, I did. Don't hate on me, elder!
Price:You get everything you pray for! You're doing everything I was supposed to do! Doesn't that seem a little telling to you?!
Cunningham:Well of what??
Price:The the universe doesn't work the way we were told! ... When I was nine years old, my family took a trip. To Orlando, Florida. And it was the most... wonderful, most magical place I'd ever seen. And I decided right then and there, "This... is where I want to spend eternity." My parents said that if I made God proud and I did everything the Church asked, in the latter days, I could have whatever I wanted. So I worked. And I worked. And even when I studied Mormon stories and I thought, "That doesn't really make sense," I kept working! Becaue I was told that one day I would get my reward! PLANET ORLANDO! But what do I have now? I cant even get a ticket home......
Cunningham:Um... Yeah... Okay, anyway, so, the uh, the mission president is coming tomorrow and, I'm without my companion and well it just looks kind of bad-
Price:Aaaa-oh, so thaaat's why you came!
Cunningham:Noo, I came because I care about you-
Cunningham:-and Havenly Fa-
Price:That is bull poop, elder! And you know it!
Cunningham:Look, I know you may not be the best "companion," but if we can please just ACT like we're still together, in front of the mission president, it would be the best thing for the both of us.
Price:Fine! But don't talk to me! And don't touch me!
Cunningham:Fine! [storms out of the kafe]
Price:Fine! [starts after Cunninigham, but stops, then turns aside]
Orland, Orlando, I liked you Orlando.
Your bright lights, your big dreams, your promises you couldn't keep
Orland, Orlando, without you Orlando.
I'm just a guy who will die and never go back... to... youuuu...
Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it. Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So -- we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.