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A Funny Thing happened
Terms in this set (71)
It's so fun being raped by my vibrator
I'm Sorry, I'm sorry...
Could you keep it down over there?
I didn't realize somebody else was in here. I'll keep it down. I'm sorry.... It's so fun to get raped by your vibrator cause you don't have to go to the police after.
I'm SORRY.. i'm sorry, what are you??
I'm being queit
That's not the point
Then would you mind telling me what the point is?
The point is you aren't the only person in this room.
I told you I didn't realize there was another person here.
You didn't realize there was another person in this room?
No. I told you it was I thought it was just me.
You didn't realize there was a 65 year old old woman, fighting with every fiber of her being to combat a rapacious case of ovarian cancer, you didn't realize that?
Why are you talking to me like this?
Why am I talking to you like what?
Why are you talkng to me like I'm some kind of ducking idiot?
Why are you acting like some kind of?....
You told me to be quiet, and that's what I'm ducking doing
Hey, Language.. language...
What language, are you my ducking preschool teacher?
This is a hospital
I know this is a hospital
There are ladies present.
I know, I am a lady
You don't even know what I look like because your not man enough to pull aside this ducking curtain and belittle me to my face.
Ohh, that's it, that is it!
That's what? , What are you going to do?
I'm getting a nurse.
You're getting a nurse?
I'm getting a hospital administrator
I'm calling my mommy, I'm telling on you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I don't think you are sorry, I think you my friend, are the opposite of sorry.
I'ts an expression, Jesus.
It's an expression that little pansies use. IM sorry, I'm sorry, what you are actually trying to say is that I should be sorry. As a passive aggressive way to control me and try and tell me what to say.
Ohh, I know exactly where this is going.
because even though you don't know me. you can tell by my voice that I am a woman.
Yup.. here we go...
so in your terrible insecure imagination..
Dear god, what has happened to you in your miserable childhood to make you become this person?
You're terrifying immature subconcious..You're mother is dying of cancer and you are completely powerless over that
You're a little bitch, you know that?
... THIS IS WHAT we like doing, when's shes awake.
Your new bit?
What are you talking about? I actually literally have no idea what bits are.
Oh my god, are you retarded? Bits is a term we use in comedy. I'm a stand up comedian for christ sake.
I don't care
and I'm trying to generate some new material here because I haven't had any new material in like six ducking months..
in what what realm of reality would I possibly give a....
so I'm grasping at straws here ok, and I really don't need you breathing down my neck trying to like edit me.
I'm not trying to edit you, I just want you to shut up.
When what I am doing actually has nothing to ducking do with you, I am just trying be creative and get some bonding time in with my mom.
You CAN'T DO BOTH. you can both be creative and get bonding time in with you mom. I mean, what else do you want to do, get an herbal colonic while you're at it?
What the f is wrong with you???
No, what the F is wrong with you? and you self obsessed. hipster Me generation. Your mom is in the hospital with cancer. Things are not looking good, things are actually looking pretty grim. So give up the comedy routine for a hot second, let it go, put it on the back burner. Ohh.. and heres a radical Idea, drop the vibrator jokes and focus on your mom.!!
I am focusing on my mom, and she likes vibrator jokes.
Yea, there; really making a killing over there.
You know what, you don't know anything about me, or my mom, or her cancer.
No, i don't, I don't know anything about your mom.
No you don't.
You're right. I don't know your moms name, I don't even know what your mom looks like.
no you don't you don't you dont'
She was just moved into my mothers room this morning, so how could I know anything about your mom.
I don't know what your moms favorite color is, or what her favorite scent is, or her favorite...
Oh you're an a-hole
National park is, or her favorite pet name, or what her favorite sexual position is.
Ohh, you are a sociopath.
I don't know anything about your mom, and it doesn't matter, because I still know your mom.. Do you know why? Do you know why?
Because shes in the gynecologic oncology unit. And I know now that those things that make your mom who she is,.. those things don't matter anymore. Because everything your mom is, Everything she likes, everything she hates, Everything she does that drives you crazy. Everything she says that gives you nightmares. Everything that you've spent the past 10 years complaining to your shrink. You will find yourself praying- praying little girl that your mom could do those things one more time. Because all your mom is now, is cancer.. You'll see, youll see..Thats all she is now, you'' see..
My moms never been sick a day in her life. This was just a fluke. And they caught it early. So.
And she had a hysterectomy. So...
I mean, it was just Stage 1! Endometrial. Papillary serous carcinoma. But Still, Shes gonna be fine.
What do you mean, Uh-Huh?
Nothing... just Uh huh
(Slurs words again)
You're a Ducking Joke, YOU'RE A DUCKING JOKE?
ahh yes.. I'm a 'ducking joke". Got it. How interesting. How well put. Well let me ask you this. Let me ask you this: if I am indeed as you say 'a ducking joke', then let me ask you this. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I'M LAUGHING? DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I'M-
yOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LAUGH.... Ok, I don't even know what to say about those boxers. So I'm going to start with the sweatpants. Those sweatpants are a hate crime. What kind of self respecting middle age man wears sweatpants? What kind of naccisstic piece of shit wears Tweety Bird Boxers under his ducking sweatpants to a hospital where his mother is dying?
When your mother is dying for seven years, you sort of stop noticing what kind of boxers you are wearing, okay?
That still doesn't explain the sweatpants.. nothing explains those. Are you..??
Your right... They're so ugly.. They are seriously the ugliest things I've ever seen.
I know, I was just saying that to make you feel better.
Why did I buy these?
I don't know
What was I thinking?
I think you weren't
I think I wasn't. I think I wasn't, I think i wasn't thinking... Oh god, I wasn't thinking.
You don't even know what I was gonna ask you.
Yes I do, I'm not an idiot.
I was gonna ask you, are you a sagitarius, cause you seem like you are a sagitarious.
No you weren't
I was gonna ask you if you were gonna finish those fries. Cause they look really good.
I'm not even eating fries
I was gonna ask you if you are afraid of heights.
Are you superstitious?
Are you a sweet or savory kind of person?
Mets or Yankees Fan?
Jeez, ok. Are you a dog or cat person?
Are you a Democrat?
Are you a homeowner?
Are you in love? Ohh no, I'm sorry.. I'm sorry..
My wife left me three weeks ago. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am anymore. I have nothing. I HAVE NOTHING..... I have nothing.
I'm sorry, I mean it this time.
You have a really firm handshake.
Ohh, I know, it's something my mom drilled in us when we were kids.
Yea, she would always be like 'a weak handshake is an invitation for someone to duck you over.
I mean, I think I agree with her, but
I've just never heard it phrased quite like that
I know.. She has a, well lets just say that some of her parenting skills are a little unorthodox..
My mom used to bring me to her book club, and point to the hordervs and say 'eat up, cause that's your dinner'
If my sister and I refused to eat dinner, my mom would march into the other room and pack a suitcase.
My mom used to put me to sleep my telling me about all the men she romantically pursued before my dad.
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