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Junie B. Jones Is Not a Crook-Lucille Lines

Terms in this set (46)

JUNIE B. LUCILLE! LUCILLE! (To audience:) Lucille is way beautifuller than me. That's because her nanna buys her fancy dresses. Plus also she has lacey socks with ribbons on them.
LUCILLE. When I grow up I'm going to marry an expensive prince. And I will even let you and Grace sweep my castle and wear my raggedy used-up gowns.
JUNIE B. (To audience, earnest:) Lucille is a regular saint.
LUCILLE. Ick. What's with the bow?
JUNIE B. (Misdirection, holding up her hands:) LOOK AT MY GORGEOUS NEW MITTENS! SEE THEM? THEY ARE MADE OUT OF BLACK FURRY FUR!
LUCILLE. My family has lots of fur. My mother has a fur cape. And my aunt has a fur jacket. And my uncle has a fur hat. Plus my nanna just bought a brand-new mink coat. Only she can't wear it outside the house. Or else people will throw paint on her.
JUNIE B. Why, Lucille? Why will people throw paint on your nanna?
LUCILLE. Don't you know anything, Junie B. Jones? It's because people who love furry animals don't like them being made into coats for nannas.
GRACE & JUNIE B. HURRAY! HURRAY! WE SAVED LUCILLE FROM THE EVIL STRANGER BOY!
LUCILLE. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU CHASE THAT BOY AWAY? NOW YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!
JUNIE B. But. We saved you from the evil stranger boy.
LUCILLE. He is not an evil stranger boy, Junie B.! He's a new kid in Room Eight. And his name is Warren. And he's the handsomest boy I ever saw. He's been in a TV commercial before!
JUNIE B. He is handsome like a movie star! Wowie-wow-WOW! What a chunk! I would like him for my new boyfriend, I think.
LUCILLE. No! Don't say that, Junie B.! He can't be your boyfriend. He can only be my boyfriend. 'Cause I saw him first.
JUNIE B. And so now you have to introduce us.
LUCILLE. No, no, no! You want to steal him away from me! Plus, you already have a boyfriend. Remember, Junie B.? You already have Ricardo! Remember?
JUNIE B. Yeah, only I think I may be ready to move on.
LUCILLE. That's not even fair!
JUNIE B. That's when Lucille's face got boiling mad. And she stomped her angry feet. And she said the words:
LUCILLE. You're not my friend today.
JUNIE B. Hello. How are you today? I have fur hands. See them, Lucille? See my hands of fur? (Flying her hands around:) This is what fur look like when they're flying in the air. (Waving "hello":) This is what fur hands look like when they're waving hello.
LUCILLE. You're being annoying.
MRS. You can have your mittens back a recess.
(JUNIE B. looks up and stares hard at the clock. Time passes v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y; the ticks get loud and echo-y. JUNIE B. dies a slow death. She recovers. She taps her fingers. She does seo
loud breaths.)
LUCILLE. Junie B. keeps tapping her fingers and making loud breaths! And I can't even concentrate on my work!
JUNIE B. Want to be friends again, Lucille? Huh? Want to be friends like we used to be? That would be nice of us, don't you think?
LUCILLE. No. You only want to be friends so you can steal my new boyfriend.
JUNIE B. Yeah, only how can I even steal him, Lucille? 'Cause you are way beautifuller than me. Remember that? Remember how beautifuller than me you are? Plus, I am not even a stealer.
LUCILLE. See my new lacy socks? Eight dollars and fifty cents...not including tax.
JUNIE B. Wowie-wow-wow. Those are some fancy feet you have there, madam! (Thrusting her leg out:) See, Lucille? See mine? They are very sagging and droopy. That's because last night me and my dog Tickle played tug-of-war with those things. And he got drooly on them.
LUCILLE. Eew.
JUNIE B. I know they are eew.
(JUNIE B. secretly shows LUCILLE a spot on her head.)
And see, Lucille? I even have a baldy spot on my head! And so that is why I have to wear this dumb bow.
LUCILLE. Ick.
JUNIE B. Now we are friends again! Right, Lucille? Right? And so now you can introduce me to Handsome Warren. 'Cause I won't even steal that guy.
LUCILLE. (Fluffing her dress:) I don't know ... I'll think about it. And really Junie B., that bow has to go.
JUNIE B. Now you're gonna introduce me. Right, Lucille? Now I'm gonna get to meet that handsome boy. (GRACE joins them in line.) Grace! Grace! Guess what? Lucille is going to introduce us to Handsome Warren!
LUCILLE. No, Junie B. I said I'll think about it. That's all.
JUNIE B. I will pile my jacket and my furry mittens in a careful pile, just for now.
LUCILLE. THERE HE IS! That is Grace. And that is Junie B. Jones.
GRACE. They're my fast shoes.
LUCILLE. Do you like this dress, Warren? My nanna bought it for me, she said it's precious.
(She does a whirly twirl for him.)
I am learning ballroom dancing at my expensive dance school. Wouldn't you love to see me dance? Wouldn't you, Warren?
HANDSOME WARREN. (Not unkindly:) What a nutball.
HANDSOME WARREN runs offstage. LUCILLE and GRACE watch him go; JUNIE B. remains laying on the ground, confused.)
LUCILLE. Didn't you love him, June B? Wasn't he so handsome? He was even handsomer up close, don't you think? He was nice, too. Wasn't he nice?
GRACE. He said he liked my high-tops.
LUCILLE. He said he liked my dress.
JUNIE B. He said I was a nutball.
LUCILLE. Not me. He didn't say I was a nutball. That's because he loves me!
GRACE. Me too!
LUCILLE. Silly Grace. Look at me for goodness sake, I'm precious! And when you're precious, boys automatically love you.
GRACE. He loves me, too!
LUCILLE. No Grace. He does not love you, too. He only loves me. Cause I saw him first. And you're not allowed to steal him away, remember?
JUNIE B. How come he said I was a nutball, do you think? Why did he have to say that dumb thing?
LUCILLE. Tell her, Junie B.! Tell Grace she can't steal my boyfriend!
GRACE. I can love anybody I want to, Lucille!
LUCILLE. No, you cannot, Grace!
JUNIE B. How many think I'm a nutball? Raise your hand.
(MRS. blows her whistle.)
LUCILLE. COMING!
JUNIE B. Why a horse on a Ferris wheel of course, Grace. Also, a corn dog.
DREAM LUCILLE. Oh la la, what an artiste. You are a real Pistachio, Junie B!
DREAM GRACE. Lucille, draw Lucille, June B.!
DREAM LUCILLE. Who wouldn't want to draw me?
JUNIE B. Oooo, Lucille. You look like a royal highness in that thing.
LUCILLE. I know it. Hello Warren. This is the kind of dress that princesses wear. It is made out of rich red velvet. (Twirling for HANDSOME WARREN:) This dress costed over one hundred and fifty dollars ... not including tax.
HANDSOME WARREN. Wow! You must be the richest girl in the
whole school!
LUCILLE. (Fluffing her hair.) I am. I am the richest girl in the whole school, Warren. (She executes a couple of enthusiastic twirls.) I am also the best dancer, I would be happy to teach you how to dance. And I wouldn't even charge you anything! Would you like me to teach you, Warren?
HANDSOME WARREN. I don't know if-
LUCILLE. Guess how much my shoes cost? Just guess, okay?
JUNIE B. Did you see that, Warren? Huh? Did you see me go to sleep? See? I told you I was calm. Didn't I? Huh? Didn't I tell you?
LUCILLE. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
JUNIE B. I gotta get a move on! 'Cause maybe there's more princess clothes right in my very own house! (She runs offstage, leaving MOTHER holding the teddy bear.)
Scene 11: Speechless (The playground.)
(GRACE runs onstage and LUCILLE enters opposite.
LUCILLE. Grace! Grace! Guess what? You're not going to believe it!
JUNIE B. And what about this golden crown I am wearing? It is from a real actual Dairy Queen!
LUCILLE, Well whoop-dee-doo.
JUNIE B. Right Grace? Right Lucille? Now that guy will have to
love me! 'Cause who wouldn't? (HANDSOME WARREN enters, sees the girls, then turns to exit.)
LUCILLE. There he is!
JUNIE B. Hey, get a load of this, Warren! I have the furriest fur
mittens of everyone in this entire whole school!
LUCILLE. I am the fanciest girl in Room Nine. I am way fancier than anyone else.
GRACE. So? I am way faster!
LUCILLE. I am a better dancer. And my hair is longer. And boys like long hair. Right, Warren? Right?
GRACE. MY hair is springier and curlier!
LUCILLE. But I have a huge big-screen TV. And a pool.
GRACE. I can whistle through my teeth. Plus I can wiggle my
ears and also I can dribble a basketball through my legs while I'm
running.
LUCILLE. But I have a pony!
JUNIE B. What do you have, Warren?
LUCILLE. You are a stealer, Junie B.!
JUNIE B. No I'm not. I'm not a stealer! I'm not a crook!
LUCILLE. Warren was my boyfriend first. And so if he loves you instead of me you are a boyfriend stealer!
GRACE. What's wrong with him?
LUCILLE. He's just being difficult. My nanna warned me about boys like him.
JUNIE B. How come you'te not talking? Huh, Warren? Does the cat
have your tongue?
LUCILLE. It won't do you any good to talk to him, Junie B. He's not talking to anyone.
JUNIE B. Good news. He talked.
LUCILLE. You're not being nice, Warren. You used to be nice. But now you're not. And so I don't even want to be your friend today.
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