Bedtime Stories Lines - Mayor/Daughter

WILBUR. HELP! HELP! HELP!
(Enter MAYOR, MOM, FATHER, CAPTAIN, and MILITIA carrying long sticks.)
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WILBUR. HELP! HELP! HELP!
(Enter MAYOR, MOM, FATHER, CAPTAIN, and MILITIA carrying long sticks.)
MAYOR. What is it?! Is something after the sheep?
FATHER. Whoops. Never mind.
MAYOR. Wait a minute? What is going on here? What is the emergency?
CAPTAIN. What?
MAYOR. Is this some kind of joke?
WILBUR. Mom, I'm not hurt. The dinosaur must have run away.
MAYOR. Young man, you had better explain yourself immediately. Causing a false alarm in the village is a crime that can lead to you being thrown into jail.
WILBUR. Mom! Dad! I'm telling the truth.
MAYOR. You are most certainly not telling the truth. What happened is that you got bored and decided to play a joke on all of us by fabricating this preposterous charade.
CAPTAIN. And you told a big lie too.
MAYOR. I just said that!
WILBUR. I didn't tell a lie! I saw a dinosaur!
MAYOR. As mayor of this village, I hereby give you an official warning that if you ever create a public disturbance such as this again, you will be faced with the most severe repercussions that the legal system can embrace! The consequences, young man, will be dire.
CAPTAIN. OK, even I didn't understand that. How come every time you're up for reelection, you start talking all fancy? You keep doing that and people aren't going to vote for you.
MAYOR. Enough! Captain, you may take the village militia back to the village.
CAPTAIN. Attention! Right face! Oh wait, no. That's my right, but your left. So left face! No wait, stage left is facing the audience so I need to say right face after all. Right face! Forward march!
(CAPTAIN and MILITIA exit with appropriate silliness and added lines.)
MAYOR. (To WILBUR:) You have been warned! (To MOM and FATHER: And Mrs. Weedwhacker, you'd best discipline your son!
Before it is too late!
MOM. Honey, are you OK? Did you have another fit? Are you seeing spots in front of your eyes? Is there a ringing in your ears!
MAYOR. Don't panic anyone! I am here to take charge! What is the problem?
WILBUR. The dinosaur was trying to eat one of the sheep!MAYOR. Not again!FATHER. You're grounded for two months. And then two more months after that!MAYOR. Did I just not tell you how very serious this was!? To make a false alarm!?WILBUR. But, Mayor, it's true. If you don't believe me, just ask the sheep. (MILITIA all break into laughter.)MAYOR. Ask whom?WILBUR. The sheep. They can tell you.MAYOR. You think the sheep can talk?CAPTAIN. Oh yeah, you'd love for us to walk all the way over there for nothing. Then you'd get another big laugh on all of us! Well you can just forget that. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...umm...shame on...MAYOR. Me! Shame on ME!CAPTAIN. Shame on HER! (Points to MAYOR.)MAYOR. As the duly elected and inaugurated mayor of the village I am hereto wit and ex officio charging you with sounding a false alarm, creating an atmosphere of mayhem and chaos in the village and fomenting general insubordination and turbulence, all with malice aforethought! You will report to the court tomorrow morning at nine o'clock for your trial! Captain, you may order the militia to return to their posts!POOR OLD WOMAN. No, not my cow! My cow is the only thing I have left. Without my cow I will die! Here, take my daughter instead.DAUGHTER. What!? I'm sure glad my mother and I are best friends.POOR OLD WOMAN. My daughter can turn gold into straw!DAUGHTER and PRINCE 2. Say what?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Yeah I'm here to clean out the garbage... Why are you crying?DAUGHTER. Because I have an impossible task to do, and if I don't complete it, my head will be cut off and I won't get to marry the prince!RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Well, what's the impossible task?DAUGHTER. I have to take all of this gold, and turn it into straw before tomorrow morning!RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Wait. You have to take that very large pile of gold...and turn it into straw?DAUGHTER. Yes! Can you help me?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Umm....ahh... Iggity piggity, lickity split! Eye of a wombat and a bucket of spit! When you need some magic, just give me a holler. And I'll be there as fast as.. fifty dollars! Shazam! There you go, one pile of straw!DAUGHTER. Oh my goodness! You're amazing! How did you do that?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Umm...magic. Well I gotta go.DAUGHTER. Wait! What can I give you?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What?DAUGHTER. What can I give you in return for helping me?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Umm.. you got any pie?DAUGHTER. Nope.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Aww man. OK, well umm...I guess I'll just... I'll just take your firstborn child then.DAUGHTER. OK.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Um... Lean to the left, lean to the right, stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight! BAM! There you are! No gold, all straw! Now I gotta go, the banks close at 11.DAUGHTER. Wait! What can I give you in return for helping me once again?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Still no pie?DAUGHTER. Nope.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What did I ask for yesterday?DAUGHTER. My firstborn child.PRINCE 2. Well, I'm off to work.DAUGHTER. You're supposed to be a prince! I don't see why you have to work at Pizza Hut.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Hey lady, I just got back from my cruise around the world. You got any more gold to turn into straw?DAUGHTER. Nope. Here's my baby!RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What?DAUGHTER. My baby. It's my firstborn child. I promised to give you my firstborn child for helping me.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. I don't want your baby!DAUGHTER. But I promised, and I can't break a promise.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. (Trying to pass baby back to DAUGHTER:) Listen, it's really OK.DAUGHTER. No it's not.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Yes it is, I really don't want your baby. What would I do with a baby?DAUGHTER. Watch it.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Please just take the baby back!DAUGHTER. I can't, it's not fair.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Umm... OK... What if we played a game, and if you win, you get to keep your baby!DAUGHTER. All right! What will we play?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Umm. rock paper scissors?DAUGHTER. No, that's not good enough.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. How about Go Fish?DAUGHTER. No..oh I know! I could guess your name!RUMPELSTILTSKIN. OK..sure. whatever. Go ahead and guess.DAUGHTER. Umm...Leslie?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What?! No! That's a ridiculous name. Guess again.DAUGHTER. Umm. oh. ah...ugh, I need time to think. Come back tomorrow!RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Fine! Here, take your baby.DAUGHTER. Nope, you keep it until I can guess your name.DAD. The girl thought about names all night long.DAUGHTER. Oprah, Lucinda, Jessabelle, Uma, Charlize, Candy, Sacagawea...RUMPELSTILTSKIN. OK, guess my name.DAUGHTER. Beyonce?RUMPELSTILTSKIN. What? That's a girl's name! I'm a boy!*DAUGHTER. Oh. I'm gonna need a new list.RUMPELSTILTSKIN. Listen, I'll just tell you my name. It's Rump-DAUGHTER. NO DON'T!! I have to guess your name. Just come back tomorrow.DAD. The girl stayed up all night, thinking of even more names.DAUGHTER. Wendell, Barak, Chipotle, Juan, Quinche, Bob, Trichinosis...(Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN carrying the baby.)DAUGHTER. Your name is-PRINCE 2. Well that was strange. What's for dinner? I'm starving.DAUGHTER. Pizza! (To baby:) Come on sweetie pie, it's pizza time!