The Odd Couple, Act III, pages 73-90, Felix cues
Terms in this set (71)
(pick up after OSCAR)
(take vacuum to kitchen)
(enter w/ linguini)
(try to eat)
All right, how much longer is this gonna go on?
OSCAR. Are you talking to me?
That's right, I'm talking to you.
OSCAR. What do you want to know?
I want to know if you're going to spend the rest of your life not talking to me. Because if you are, I'm going to buy a radio.
I see. You're not going to talk to me.All right. Two can play at this game.
If you're not going to talk to me, I'm not going to talk to you.
I can act childish too, you know.
I can go on without talking just as long as you can.
OSCAR. Then why the hell don't you shut up?
Are you talking to me?
OSCAR. You had your chance to talk last night. I begged you to come upstairs with me. From now on I never want to hear a word from that shampooed head as long as you live. That's a warning, Felix.
I stand warned. . . . Over and out!
OSCAR. There's a key to the back door. If you stick to the hallway and your room, you won't get hurt.
I don't think I gather the entire meaning of that remark.
OSCAR. Then I'll explain it to you. Stay out of my way.
I think you're serious. I think you're really serious, . . . Are you serious?
OSCAR. This is my apartment. Everything in my apartment is mine. The only thing here that's yours is you. Just stay in your room and speak softly.
Yeah, you're serious. . . . Well, let me remind you that I pay half the rent and I'll go into any room I want.
(start to hall L)
OSCAR. Where are you going?
I'm going to walk around your bedroom.
OSCAR. You stay out of there.
Don't tell me where to go. I pay a hundred and twenty dollars a month.
OSCAR. That was off-season. Starting tomorrow the rates are twelve dollars a day.
(slam money on poker table)
There you are. I'm paid up for today. Now I'm going to walk in your bedroom.
OSCAR. Stay out of there! Stay out of my room!
Watch yourself! Just watch yourself, Oscar!
OSCAR. I'm warning you. You want to live here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and I don't want to smell your cooking. Now get this spaghetti off my poker table.
OSCAR. What the hell's so funny?
It's not spaghetti. It's linguini!
OSCAR. Now it's garbage!
You are crazy! . . . I'm a neurotic nut but you are crazy!
OSCAR. I'm crazy, heh? That's really funny coming from a fruitcake like you.
I'm not cleaning that up.
OSCAR. Is that a promise?
Did you hear what I said? I'm not cleaning it up. It's your mess. Look at it, Hanging all over the walls.
OSCAR. I like it. (Closes door and paces Right.)
You'd just let it lie there, wouldn't you? Until it turns hard and brown and . . . yich. . . . It's disgusting. . . . I'm cleaning it up.
(exit to kitchen)
OSCAR. Leave it alone! . . . You touch one strand of that linguini—and I'm gonna punch you right in your sinuses.
Oscar . . . I'd like you to take a couple of phenobarbital.
(run DC, stop, calm OSCAR)
OSCAR. Go to your room! . . . Did you hear what I said? Go to your room!
All right . . . let's everybody just settle down, heh?
(touch OSCAR's shoulder to calm him)
OSCAR. If you want to live through this night, you'd better tie me up and lock your doors and windows.
All right, Oscar, I'd like to know what's happened.
OSCAR. What's happened?
(slide to next chair)
That's right. Something must have caused you to go off the deep end like this. What is it? Something I said? Something I did? Heh? What?
OSCAR. It's nothing you said. It's nothing you did. It's you!
I see. . . . Well, that's plain enough.
OSCAR. I could make it plainer but I don't want to hurt you.
What is it, the cooking? The cleaning? The crying?
OSCAR. I'll tell you exactly what it is, It's the cooking, cleaning and crying. . . . It's the talking in your sleep, it's the moose calls that open your ears at two o'clock in the morning. . . . I can't take it any more, Felix. I'm crackin' up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. . . . You leave me little notes on my pillow. I told you a hundred times, I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of Corn Flakes. F.U." . . . It took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Ungar. . . . It's not your fault, Felix. It's a rotten combination.
I get the picture.
OSCAR. That's just the frame. The picture I haven't even painted yet. . . . I got a typewritten list in my office of the "Ten Most Aggravating Things You Do That Drive Me Berserk." . . . But last night was the topper. Oh, that was the topper. Oh, that was the ever loving lulu of all times.
What are you talking about, the London broil?
OSCAR. No, not the London broil. I'm talking about those two lamb chops. I had it all set up with that English Betty Boop and her sister and I wind up drinking tea all night and telling them your life story.
Oho! So that's what's bothering you. That I loused up your evening!
OSCAR. After the mood you put them in, I'm surprised they didn't go out to Rockaway and swim back to England.
Don't blame me. I warned you not to make the date in the first place.
(finger in OSCAR's face)
OSCAR. Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it!
(nose to nose)
All right, Oscar, get off my back. Get off! Off!
OSCAR. What's this? A display of temper? I haven't seen you really angry since the day I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter.
Oscar . . . You're asking to hear something I don't want to say. But if I say it, I think you'd better hear it.
OSCAR. If you've got anything on your chest besides your chin, you'd better get it off.
All right, I warned you. . . . You're a wonderful guy, Oscar. You've done everything for me. If it weren't for you, I don't know what would have happened to me. You took me in here, gave me a place to live and something to live for. I'll never forget you for that. You're tops with me, Oscar.
OSCAR. If I've just been told off, I think I may have missed it.
It's coming now! . . . You're also one of the biggest slobs in the world.
(OSCAR says I see)
And completely unreliable.
(OSCAR says Finished?)
(OSCAR says Is that it?)
OSCAR. Keep going. I think you're hot.
That's it. I'm finished. Now you've been told off. How do you like that?
OSCAR. Good. Because now I'm going to tell you off. . . . For six months I lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight rooms. . . . I was dejected, despondent and disgusted. . . . Then you moved in. My dearest and closest friend. . . . And after three weeks of close, personal contact—I am about to have a nervous breakdown! . . . Do me a favor. Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle and your meat thermometer. . . . When you want to come out, ring a bell and I'll run into the bedroom. (Almost breaking down.) I'm asking you nicely, Felix. . . . As a friend. . . . Stay out of my way! (And he goes into the bedroom.)
Walk on the paper, will you? The floors are wet.
(re-enter OSCAR manacing)
Awright, keep away. Keep away from me.
OSCAR. Come on. Let me get in one shot. You pick it. Head, stomach, or kidneys.
You're gonna find yourself in one sweet law suit, Oscar.
OSCAR. It's no use running, Felix. There's only eight rooms and I know the short cuts.
(defend with chair)
Is this how you settle your problems, Oscar? Like an animal?
OSCAR. All right. You wanna see how I settle my problems. I'll show you. I'll show you how I settle them. (throws suitcase on table.)
There! That's how I settle them!
Where are you going?
OSCAR. Not me, you idiot! You. You're the one who's going. I want you out of here. Now! Tonight!
What are you talking about?
OSCAR. It's all over, Felix. The whole marriage. We're getting an annulment! Don't you understand? I don't want to live with you any more. I want you to pack your things, tie it up with your Saran Wrap and get out of here.
You mean actually move out . . . ?
OSCAR. Actually, physically and immediately. I don't care where you go. Move into the Museum of Natural History. I'm sure you'll be very comfortable there. You can dust around the Egyptian mummies to your heart's content. But I'm a human living person. All I want is my freedom. Is that too much to ask for? There. . . . You're all packed.
You know, I've got a good mind to really leave.
OSCAR. Why doesn't he ever listen to what I say? Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. . . . I recognize my voice.
Because if you really want me to go, I'll go.
OSCAR. Then go. I want you to go, so go. When are you going?
When am I going, huh? Boy, you're in a bigger hurry than Frances was. . . .
OSCAR. Take as much time as she gave you. I want you to follow your usual routine.
In other words you're throwing me out.
OSCAR. Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones. I am throwing you out.
All right. . . . I just wanted to get the record straight. Let it be on your conscience. (Goes into his bedroom.)
OSCAR. What . . . ? What . . . ? Let what be on my conscience?
That you're throwing me out. I'm perfectly willing to stay and clear the air of our differences. . . . But you refuse, right?
OSCAR. Right. . . . I'm sick and tired of you clearing the air. That's why I want you to leave!
Okay. . . . As long as I heard you say the words, "Get out of the house." . . . Fine. . . . But remember, what happens to me is your responsibility. Let it be on your head.
OSCAR. Wait a minute, damn it! Why can't you be thrown out like a decent human being? Why do you have to say things like, "Let it be on your head"? I don't want it on my head. I just want you out of the house.
What's the matter, Oscar? Can't cope with a little guilt feelings—?
OSCAR. Damn you. I've been looking forward to throwing you out all day long and now you even take the pleasure out of that.
Forgive me for spoiling your fun. I'm leaving now . . . according to your wishes and desires.
OSCAR. You're not leaving here until you take it back.
Take what back?
OSCAR. "Let it be on your head." . . . What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?
Get out of my way, please.
OSCAR. Is this how you left that night with Frances? No wonder she wanted to have the room repainted right away. I'm gonna have yours dipped in bronze,
How can I leave if you're blocking the door?
OSCAR. Felix, we've been friends a long time. For the sake of that friendship, please say, "Oscar, we can't stand each other, let's break up."
I'll let you know what to do about my clothes, . . . Either I'll call . . . or someone else will. I'd like to leave now.
(OSCAR moves aside)
OSCAR. Where will you go?
Where? . . . Oh, come on, Oscar. You're not really interested, are you?
CECILY. Gwen, Felix doesn't want to stay. Please tell him to stay.
FELIX. Really, girls, this is very embarrassing. I can go to a hotel. . . .
GWENDOLYN, And we just don't like the idea of you wandering the streets looking for a place to live,
But I'd be in the way. Wouldn't I be in the way?
GWENDOLYN. Please. Please say "Yes," Felix.
CECILY. Oh, please . . . we'd be so happy.
Well . . . maybe just for a few days
GWENDOLYN. Don't be late. Cocktails in fifteen minutes.
GWENDOLYN. Ta ta.
CECILY. Ta ta.
ROY. Hey, Felix, are you really gonna move in with them?
Just for a few days. Until I find my own place. . . . Well, so long, fellows. You can drop your crumbs on the rug again.
OSCAR. Hey, Felix. Aren't you going to thank me?
OSCAR. For the two greatest things I ever did for you, Taking you in and throwing you out.
You're right, Oscar. Thanks a lot. Getting kicked out twice is enough for any man. . . . In gratitude, I remove the curse.
OSCAR. Oh, bless you and thank you, Wicked Witch of the North.
Ah, that must be the girls.
MURRAY. (Picking up phone.) Hello. . . .
They hate it so when I'm late for cocktails.
Well, so long.
MURRAY. It's your wife.
Oh? Well, do me a favor, Murray. Tell her I can't speak to her now. But tell her I'll be calling her in a few days because she and I have a lot to talk about. And tell her if I sound different to her, it's because I'm not the same man she kicked out three weeks ago. Tell her, Murray, tell her.
MURRAY, I will when I see her. This is Oscar's wife.
MURRAY. (into phone) Just a minute, Blanche.
Well, so long, fellows.
Oscar. (on phone.) Hello? . . . Yeah, Blanche. I got a pretty good idea why you're calling. You got my checks, right? . . . Good. So now I'm all paid up. . . . No, no, I didn't win at the track. I've just been able to save a little money, . . . I've been eating home a lot.
(throws pillow at FELIX)
Listen, Blanche, you don't have to thank me, I'm just doing what's right. . . . Well, that's nice of you, too. . . . The apartment? No, I think you'd be shocked. . . . It's in surprisingly good shape. . . .
(throw pillow back at OSCAR)
OSCAR. (on phone) Say, Blanche, did Brucey get the goldfish I sent him? . . . Yeah, well, I'll speak to you again soon, huh? . . . Whenever you want. I don't go out much any more. . .
Well, good night, Mr. Madison. If you need me again, I get a dollar-fifty an hour.
OSCAR. Well, kiss the kids for me, Good night, Blanche. Felix? . . .
OSCAR. How about next Friday night? You're not going to break up the game, are you?
Me? Never! Marriages may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.
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